I’ll keep this post brief, both because I don’t want to bore you senseless and because I’m not sure what to write. My brain isn’t working well enough and my body is falling apart, which makes writing, blogging, emailing and generally keeping up with life impossible. You know, the usual. This is just a little mini me update about birthday blues, life “after” Covid, health frustrations and animal action (I refer to a farm park, nothing perverse aside from a pig threesome).
Birthday Blues & Vomit
Tuesday 9th August was my birthday. Birthdays are a difficult time for me since my health went down the metaphorical toilet. I won’t drone on about being miserable, so suffice it to say that I prefer to distract myself to oblivion. Sadly that did not happen. My birthdays seem to have a way of reinforcing that people don’t really care, it doesn’t matter what I want, that I get taken for a fool even though I seem old enough that it shouldn’t still happen, especially by own family. Anyway, by 4pm I ended up back in bed and there I stayed until the next morning, alternating between falling asleep, rolling around not knowing where I was and throwing up my stomach lining. The next morning I was greeted by a bowl of sick, sick in my hair & the feeling I suddenly got super attractive right there. The intense nausea was yuck and the continual throwing up was yuck, and the miserableness persisted for the next day and the next.
I had hoped to go into town with my mum on my birthday and treat us to a game of bowling, or my idea of bowling: that involves not being able to bend at the waist because of the stoma girdle thing I have to wear, not being strong enough anymore that I have to get the lightest ball, and also not being able to bowl irrespective of my health, so I end up throwing the ball in the air and it bounces back down and ricochets off the barriers several times before hitting any pins. But at least it’s usually good fun. Maybe we can do it another time for an hour out of the house, but the grump monster won’t let go of me yet.
Thank goodness for cake, at least when I feel well enough to eat any. It doesn’t make Birthday Blues go away, but it takes the edge off. Funnily enough, I only eat chocolate cake (and I drown it in toffee sauce). I don’t do other flavours, no bits, no fruit, or even jam. Is anyone else like that, or am I just very boring? I’d love for you to join me and have a slice.
I’ve not been online much as a result but I’d like to say thank you to all those who’ve sent sweet birthday wishes. Also, this isn’t a pity-me post and I wondered whether to write it at all, but I also think it’s good to show a little of the reality, even when it’s not popular to do so. I’m certainly not the only one to find birthdays difficult or to feel the strain of being chronically ill, so please don’t feel you’re alone if you feel similar.
To save repetition, you fancy reading my thoughts on birthdays or coping with them when living with a chronic condition then you can see some earlier posts below.
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Farm Frolics
I took my mum to the Cotswold Farm Park on Monday (before my birthday), so at least there was one good moment to savour. I wanted to do something to get her a change of scenery that I thought she might like, and I think we both enjoyed it. This is the farm owned by the farmer & TV presenter Adam Henson. I picked us up sandwiches in town first (to save a fortune), then paced it slowly when we got there.
I bought a bag of food for the goats and such outside, and one of the cheeky bastards sweethearts tried to steal the bag! He was a devil-like goat (my mum pictured him as a cigarette-smoking Baphomet), keen to push others out the way so he could get what he wanted. You know the type. He ripped a good hole in the bag and tried to take the whole damn thing out of my hand! We then had to do a team-based distraction tactic to get this bully away from the little goats – I distracted him, worrying he was going to jump the fence and eat my face, while my mum fed the others on the sly.
There were a lot of “awws” on our park trip. It was also a day of newness – first time I’ve fed a goat, first time I’ve stroked a bunny rabbit or a guinea pig, the first time I’ve seen pigs partake in a threesome. The latter was a bit disturbing.
I couldn’t manage walking around the whole park let alone doing the larger area hike, but we did a little and that was good enough.
Life “After” Covid
It’s strange to think the world is going back to “normal” as though Covid came and went and is no more. The politicians and certain press outlets started to sweep it under the rug in the latter part of 2021, followed by restrictions, testing, masks and isolation being removed in 2022. For those who are concerned about Covid for themselves or others, for those who are vulnerable or live with someone that is, the choice to stay safe has pretty much been taken away from them. The news has all but forgotten about the virus.
But the cost of living in a Covid bubble also started to get greater after all this time. The discord between you and the world, the loneliness, the feeling of being left behind and angry with the so-called “Covidiots”, the lack of fresh air and exercise, the huge limits on independence. That known cost weighs up against the unknown cost of a virus, and many are now choosing that unknown risk, in part because there’s little choice.
For someone who has been antibacterial cleaning everything in sight for a long time now, it has been difficult to wean off doing so. To put away groceries without cleaning them takes a lot of self-restraint. Before Covid, I never would have dreamed of doing that, or putting post into quarantine before opening it, or cleaning the items in my handbag and cleansing the car before my parents get in it. Everything I have done has been for my parents. But Covid has done a number on them too and that risk seems higher now than the virus. I know there will be so many people in a similar situation.
Despite less cleaning and faffing with Covid, I’ve still got to much to do, I lose too much time not being well, my personal inbox has over 1,300 emails awaiting me, and things at home haven’t been great. Okay, that’s a little understatement because it has been frustrating enough to make me want to crush a grape, just about the only violence I have the strength for right now. I’m trying to do as I wrote about recently and appreciate the small joys and simple pleasures, especially with the brief summer weather we’ve been fortunate enough to have in the UK recently.
The good thing has been gradually doing a little more living and a little less cleaning and fretting. The odd ice-cream here and there. Remembering the glorious taste of a Subway for a picnic in the park.
Major Surgery : On Again/Off Again
After so much to-and-fro with the major surgery I’ve been waiting over four years for, I spoke with both surgeons required for the op earlier this year. I wrote before about how it seems it may be rather too little too late and I wasn’t sure whether to proceed or not. Recently, while in the go-for-it mood because I can’t keep going like this, I contacted the lovely woman surgeon who I mainly deal with and she said she’d get me in during August and it would be at a different hospital, which really appealed to me after a not too great experience at UCLH for my EUA in 2019. So I try to get my head around this, rush through a last minute blood test at my GP practice in the hopes of getting an iron infusion before surgery, panic about everything I need to do in so little time, and then…
Someone at the hospital tells me the surgery was not possible at this other hospital because the second surgeon isn’t working there and furthermore it couldn’t happen in September. For fox sake. Back to not knowing what’s going on. It may be it happens in September, but who knows. Not to mention that one minute I think I should give it a try and the next minute I feel I just want to give up now. Oh and the blood test I raced off to last minute? Turns out that was a balls up too. Then there’s the legal case for my first private surgery that has been a hellish experience and still isn’t over yet. So there’s little in the way of resolution or direction on these things generally.
Thank You
Thank you all for bearing with me. I know I’ve not posted as regularly, while being regularly behind on others’ blog posts and emails. To all those who read, comment, like or share InvisiblyMe, it is hugely appreciated. A big thank you to my online friends, you know who you are and you rock.
Please help yourself to a slice of virtual birthday cake – gluten free, calorie-free, low-fat, vegan and delicious!
💜💙💚💛🧡 Take good care of yourselves and I hope the week is a good one for you all 💜💙💚💛🧡
How’ve you all been? I hope you’re keeping as well as possible.
Caz ♥
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47 comments
Hey Caz, wishing you a happy belated birthday but I’m sorry to read you’ve been so unwell. I prefer plain cake too, no jam or cream, fruit or anything, but a tiny bit of icing will do nicely though. Xx
Thank goodness there’s someone else who’s a plain cake kinda girl! I love toffee, fudge, chocolate fondanty stuff in the middle and heaps of icing, but no to fruit, jam etc. I don’t think I’ve found anyone in agreement with my Rules Of Cake until now! ☺️
My birthday is coming up in a few days, so I’ll definitely be having that slice of cake 🙂
Happy (belated) Birthday! I did leave you a comment and I saw you’ve been celebrating over a few days – I hope you’re having a fabulous week! Cheers to all the chocolate cake in the world 🥳 🎉
What a mess. This whole life nonsense is seriously shitty. Thank goodness that at least there’s cake and ice cream.
❤️❤️❤️
Sounds like more of the same on the operation front. But at least she’s trying to get it done vs blowing it off by saying it can’t be done. I love birthday goodies including the necklace set. Take care, stay bold and keep fighting to get this done, Sept, in just a few weeks off.
♪♫Happy Birthday to you,♪♫
♪♫Happy Birthday to you,♪♫
♪♫Happy Birthday Dear Caz,♪♫
♪♫Happy Birthday to you.♪♫
I took the ice cream bar. It was delicious.
I’m sorry you’re having such health issues. I also hope you can get the surgery you need soon.
Have a fabulous weekend. Big healing hugs. ♥
I’m just stopping by for some cake!!
Caz, I am sorry that your birthday was so horrible. I know it’s just a day but it’s meant to be a nice day, isn’t it? Our bodies, and often other things in life, don’t like to cooperate. I hope you’re up to celebrating another day. Actually, each time you feel reasonable half-decent, I reckon you should treat that day like a birthday. Do something you enjoy. Something special. And of course, eat cake.
Those goats!! I’ve heard of people keeping pet goats and they can be monsters – stealing washing off the line or barging their way into kitchens to steal food.
I think it’s kind of funny that covid has gone completely off the radar since other things take up the news. The Tory party leadership fiasco seems to be more important these days. Oh, I better not get started on that topic.
Take care of yourself, Caz. Be kind to yourself and don’t give yourself a hard time about blog posts etc. You are doing your best and that’s good enough. You’re good enough.
You know where I am if you want to chat,
Liz x
Hi Caz. As I have already mentioned, sorry to hear you wasn’t well on your birthday and that I missed to wish you happy birthday on the day. I thought I had written it down.
I will enjoy a slice of your cake
(Dairy-free or vegan for me please. )
I hope you don’t get messed about with your op any further.
Daz died this afternoon. I was having a Twitter break, but announced not long back. A blog post has not long aired too.
Xx
It is amazing that with all of that, you write in your determined and focused way to let us know what is going on. Here is a belated Happy Day-Before-Your-Birthday wish, when again, despite it all, you got on with life for that marvelous trip to the farm. You inspire us all, Caz.
You are so very kind, Marilee, thank you 💜 I hope the week is treating you kindly so far! xx
Hi, Caz and let me be the 435th person to wish you a Happy Birthday! 😏
Okay, with 1300 emails in your box, I can forgive you for not getting to mine yet. 😉
Neither Anita nor I are “chocoholics” but if you ever come to Kentucky, I’ll make a ‘mean chocolate cake’ just for you.
And you might have a few more visitors than normal this weekend, as I referenced you in my guest vlog this morning here in the colonies.
❤️& 🙏, c.a.
Very happy belated birthday, Caz, even though it wasn’t the best birthday you’ve had. The cake looks delicious. I’m quite the opposite of you with cakes – I like bits of fruit, jam and vanilla cream in mine (as long as it’s vegan). I’d probably go for a vegan strawberry-filled cake, not that I have birthday cakes anymore. I never buy myself one as there’s only me to eat it, and although I could eat a whole cake, I think I’d be very sick with a sore tummy after that! I’m sorry you were so poorly on your birthday days – that was rotten for you, and I’m not surprised you felt so fed up. I am glad, however, that you were able to do something nice with your mum a few days before the ‘big’ day. The goat looks adorable, although he obviously wasn’t from how you described him. I assume it was a ‘him’ anyway. One goat looks pretty much like another, really.
I’m sorry you’ve had to wait so long for your surgery. That’s appalling. The waiting lists at our UK hospitals are shocking, aren’t they!? They still haven’t caught up from the worst of the Covid times. I wonder whether they ever will sometimes. I have a friend who has also been waiting for her surgery for three years with seemingly nothing on the horizon. She has a stoma, too, and lots of other issues, not unlike you.
Try not to worry about catching up with other people’s posts right now. You’ve got enough to do with looking after yourself properly. I’m way behind reading other blogs and even more behind with getting my brain into gear to write a decent comment, too. I was determined to write something today, but even though I was trying my hardest, I kept coming up with blanks. So, no post from me today. Emails will always be there for another day, too, as I know from experience, also. I’ve given up counting mine – it’s too stressful.
I do hope your next few days will be better than the recent ones. Do take care and be gentle with yourself; you deserve it. Sending you healing, comforting hugs. Caz. Love Ellie Xxx 💜🌹🌞💙
Firstly, thank you so much for the incredible comment 🙏 You’ve taken so much time and effort to write this and I want you to know how very much it is appreciated.
I’d only ever known people who eat all sorts, especially things like fruit or jam, in cakes, like you. It seems I’m not alone in liking it plain with chocolate, chocolate fondant, icing etc, so I feel a more vindicated now for my rationale that chocolate cake should be appreciated in its own right 😂 I’m sorry you don’t do birthday cakes anymore but I see your problem. I’ve seen a few cakes that are small, even miniature ones, that might be a good idea for you so you don’t have to miss out.
The goats I got a photo of were actually the nice ones! I didn’t have the guts to photograph the devil goats because I was afraid they’d jump the fence and eat my face. They were fierce. And so, so greedy! And the devil goats – there were two – had bigger horns and a kind of goatee thing going on so you could split them apart from the nice ones. They’re also the ones ready to headbutt everyone around them to get food.
You’re right, the medical waiting lists are absolutely appalling. Surgeries, appointments, referrals, tests and scans. All of it. They’re trying to cut down on treatments and everything else in an effort to cut costs and staff workload with less appointments but it is all to the detriment of patients. I’m sorry about your friend. Has she had her stoma long? Do you mind my asking what her surgery will be for? I hope she’s hanging in there okay, which is easier said than done. I hope she has someone she can talk to about her health issues, and she’s lucky to have you as a friend.
Thank you for the reassurance on not stressing not being able to keep up. That’s also easier said than done. I’m getting ridiculously frustrated by my inability to even focus enough to do things like write an email let alone a blog post. It has taken enough time to get my head in gear to write this message back to you and I’m really hoping you can make some sense of it! I’m sorry you’re getting the blankness issue as well, it’s mighty annoying. I hope you can take your own good advice and not worry too much about any of it. Take time for yourself and eventually your brain will co-operate, you’ll get the inspiration and you’ll be able to write. For what it’s worth, I think you do an incredible job, not just with your blog but your incredible social media output, too. And yes, all the emails and paperwork will (sadly) still be there another day to deal with!
Thanks again, Ellie, you rock. Please take good care of yourself 💜 xxxx
Keep strong amazing lady. You are a one off to cope with all you go through and I so admire you for that. You deserve a medal. So, here is one from me to you. A medal for ‘An amazing lady coping with a difficult life’, with love, Bar xx
That is so lovely of you, Bar. I don’t see myself like that at all, so it’s really kind to think you do. Thank you my friend. I hope the week is treating you kindly so far 💜💙💚💛🧡 xx
Sending you lots of birthday love and hugs. I’m sorry the day was a disaster but I completely understand. We will celebrate you everyday as you are just such a special lady and friend and we are blessed to have you share your life with us and listen to our journey highs and lows. Look after yourself, love Sam xx
I’m so sorry that your health is going down the toilet, and that your birthday didn’t end up being celebratory. That you contribute at all to your blog given what you go through is remarkable to me. You are amazing, funny, sweet, and kind. I’m so thankful that you were born into this world.
Happy birthday Caz. Chocolate is my favorite anytime. I’ll take a slice and freeze it to eat on the day you feel better.
Now THAT is a brilliant idea! Take a huge slice, Darnell, you’ll need it after the long wait 😉
Happy birthday awesome lady! It was my birthday on 8th August, what excellent leos we are! I’m sorry yours was spent feeling crappy but I hope you enjoyed the cake afterwards. I didn’t even have cake for mine but still spent 9th August feeling yucky too – bad guts and nausea, achy everywhere and super tired. I hope you’re feeling better and you’re getting somewhere with getting your surgery scheduled. Sending hugs and hope as always. Love Smell xxx
I’m sorry you were unwell the day after yours, that’s pretty sucky. I hope you had a good birthday week though, because I am strongly starting to believe that birthdays should be far more than a one day affair to take into consideration life being a pain in the ass. Happy (belated) Birthday, fellow awesome Leo! 🥳 🎉 xx
Wishing you better days, Caz! <3
Oh, oh, and oh some more! Well at least you’ve now got a great ‘goat’ story; and a pig threesome – sounds extraordinary! 🙂
Happy Belated Birthday, Caz. And yes, I’ve taken a decent slice of that cake. Virtually tastes fabulous! Loving the no calories, and vegan is just up my isle.
I do have to tell you – I’m on a wee break from WP! Couldn’t ‘take my leave’ without a word to you, though. So, you won’t see me around; that is, until I get the nod, if you know what I mean!
Stay safe. I’ll probably still read your fabulously devastatingly gruesome – err… hilarious blog posts; leave a like; maybe a comment. Who knows – I don’t. But, I will definitely be thinking of you – as usual….
Lot o’ Love
xoxoxo
Thank you, Carolyn. And thanks for the heads-up – I hope you have a relaxing WP break! Don’t worry about anything other than taking care of you, dancing, doing other things you enjoy and having a break! 💜 xx
Thank you for sharing!!… sorry you were not feeling the best for your birthday but wishing you a belated Happy Birthday… we can make each day what we wish for it to be and hopefully for the future each and every one of your days are filled with happiness and all that you wish for it to be… 🙂
Until we meet again..
May flowers always line your path
and sunshine light your way,
May songbirds serenade your
every step along the way,
May a rainbow run beside you
in a sky that’s always blue,
And may happiness fill your heart
each day your whole life through.
(Irish Saying)
Happy Belated Birthday. Mine was on the 4th and I didn’t feel well that day either. Some birthdays I do….some I don’t. It’s great that at least you had the Goat farm experience for fun. Cake wise, I like most cakes except for Chocolate 🙂
Take care of yourself. It is unfortunate you are being so jerked around regarding surgery. Hope it is remedied soon.
Aw I’m sorry you weren’t well enough to really enjoy your birthday, either. I’ll say Happy (belated) Birthday anyway and I hope you have/can have some enjoyment on other days instead. I think Birthdays should become Birthweeks to make allowances for health! Thank you for your kind comment & I hope you’re having a lovely week so far and are feeling a little better than you were for your birthday at least! 💜 xx
I’m so sorry you don’t feel well!
Happy Belated Birthday to you and cheers to looking forward to bowling with your mum!
It’s awful not knowing when you might be able to get the care that you need. I hope they get their act together on the timing/scheduling. That would be a most excellent birthday gift, even if belated!
Charlee: “You know we cats here with purrs for you whenever you need them! Like now, for instance!”
Lulu: “And we dogs are here with tail wags!”
😺🐶 xxxx
I’m so sorry life has been so hard lately! Happy belated birthday, even if you weren’t really able to enjoy it. And I can just imagine how hard it must be to have the “on again, off gain” surgery option. I’m hoping and praying that things look up for you soon!
Terribly sorry to hear that things haven’t been working out properly for you, more so near your birthday. Nevertheless, permit me to greet you a Happy Birthday — albeit rather belated. 🎂
Oh Caz, I’m so sorry your birthday was such an unhappy one. I hate to think of the day that brought us the bright, shining light that is you was a dark one for the person who should be celebrating. I sincerely hope you get to feeling better soon and that you get some answers about your surgery sooner rather than later. On a happier note, I love goats! I always told my Hubby I was going to get a goat when we retired and settled down, but we decided to buy a house in the city, so no goat for me. I’m glad you got to enjoy the goats, rabbits, and guinea pigs. That sounds like a great day! Sending lots of love and hugs your way!
Thank you very muchly, Terri, for your kind comment 🙏 I love that your retirement dream included a goat! It’s a shame that’s not really practical in the city but you never know, one day it could happen… In the mean time, I hope you get to check out a farm park at some point to say hello to them, which is much easier as you don’t have to clean up after them! I was smitten with the rabbits. One even rose up on his hind legs when I started talking to it (I’m not sure if he/she was happy for my conversation or if the standing upright position meant they wanted me to go away!) Have a lovely rest of your week 🧡 xxxx
Really enjoyed the parts about the farm trip! Hope things get much better in the near future Caz, its high time things did! <3
Happy Birthday, Caz! Adorable photo, btw. I like to pretend my birthday is every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday just for the cake. 😬
Happy belated birthday, Caz. I’m glad you’re here on planet earth. You are one of the beautiful people that spreads kindness and acceptance all around making all of us feel loved. Thank you, and know you are very much loved too.
That is really kind of you to say, it made me feel a little brighter right when I needed it. Thank you, Michele. I’m lucky to have ‘met’ you in the blogosphere 💐 xx
You’re an inspiration, dear. Period.
I would beg to differ to but it’s lovely you think so, it makes me feel a bit better for being a grumpy arse most of the time! 🙏 Thanks lovely. I hope you’re doing okay and that you have a restful weekend ahead 💜 xx
Hi Caz! Happy (very belated) birthday! I ‘m so sorry to hear you were not feeling well for your birthday… Sometimes when we hope to feel good for a special day or event, it happens that our health works against us and we feel actually worse. You are a great girl and I really admire your inner strength and how amazingly well you cope with everything. That chocolate cake looks so good! I’m sure it really helped you to feel a litlle bit better. Take lots of care and I hope you are feeling better these days.
Oh that is very frustrating about the operation, just as you began to get your hopes up. I do hope you will get some better news soon.
And those goats! They will eat anything. I regularly have to tie my hair up when we go to the farm or they will try to munch that!
I’m not sure what happened to you on your birthday to make you feel so unwell, but I hope that at least the sickness has passed now. Take care 🤗
Belated happy birthday! I’m late but I wish you good health. Take care. 🤗🤗🤗
Happy belated Birthday! However, you may still be celebrating and, if so, go you. I’ve always appreciated my grandma’s philosophy of a birthEVENT over a birthday ;D. I’m sorry for the struggles that filled the day but I’m happy for the joy you found all the same. As to the cake, while I enjoy more flavors than just chocolate, I’m with you on the rest of it. I don’t need any fillings or toppings or fruity whatevers. Just let me enjoy some delicious cake! And I’ll make a point of having a slice of chocolate cake in your honor today, Caz.