A Chronic Birthday

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It’s my birthday & I’ll cry if I want to. I’m not really going to cry. Not yet anyway, there’s still cake left. But I won’t lie, I do find birthdays a little rough. I wrote last year about birthdays with chronic illness and the sentiments still hold today. 

A Chronic Chaotic Week

I’ll be keeping this short and bittersweet. I’ll be honest, it’s been a bad week. Not bad like many people are going through right now, so sure, things could be worse. But it has been utterly exhausting. I feel like I’ve barely stopped all week. I know this is going to catch up and knock me over, but I can’t take any down time yet because there’s still so much to do. It’s been an endless stream of problems, hassles, worries, things to do & things going wrong. 

I’ve been without a laptop this week, so I’ve been rather lost without it. I do everything on there, including blogs, work and emails. Needless to say, things have slipped. I’ve been doing as much as I can for my parents, who are also shielding, so I’m the one going out doing the grocery shopping, going into town to run errands, sorting prescriptions and so on. I’ve not been eating well because I’m just too exhausted and in too much pain to do anything by the evening.

It’s felt like an endless game of whack-a-mole trying to get things done, where anything that could go wrong has gone wrong. And now I am ridiculously behind on a lot of things. 

I also had to take poor little Virgil to the vets yesterday. Unfortunately we couldn’t borrow a cat carrier from the vets this time due to coronavirus, so getting him there & back was a bit of a nightmare. He had a very bad tooth that was infected and had come loose, so it began sticking upward. This was the only big incisor he had left at the front. His mouth was swollen and you could tell he wasn’t quite himself on Thursday afternoon when I spotted the problem. I got him the first appointment possible on Friday, took him in and they agreed to remove the tooth because it was so infected and dangerous, though apparently they’re trying to do as little as possible there because of coronavirus. I’ll reserve my thoughts on that one! Over £200 but money well spent to get the little baby better. 

Anyway, I went back to pick him up a little while later and he was pretty out of it on the pain meds. He stilled looked cute, despite the blood-mingled dribbling. He’s also on antibiotics and clearly something didn’t agree well with him. I had to have my mum in the backseat to hold him. The car was boiling hot (one of the hottest days so far and we’re in my tin can of a car with no a/c). Then Virgil poops himself and it goes everywhere. I mean everywhere. 

We got home, I spent a while trying to clean the cat and then my car, which nearly made me sick myself, then I had to rush back into town to continue other errands. Saturday morning I had to go back out, so I picked up some extra groceries and bought a pet carrier so I can take him for a check-up on Monday. At least this time there should be no dodgy cat tummy!

I also had a bowel twist on Friday morning too. Luckily a catheter helped to straighten things out so I could avoid A&E. Spending the morning shoving a tube into my stomach was not overly pleasant, but I’m thinking of putting it on my dating profile as a party trick. My insides & the stoma aren’t quite right now, but it’s hanging in there for the moment. I just feel like a ticking time bomb waiting for it to twist again. Maybe my bowel is dancing to some music I just can’t hear?

The Reality Of Invisible Chronic Pain

There’s a lot of catching up to do. Thinking of getting everything done is laughable.

Now, I’m telling you all of this as a little mini me update because I wanted to show that you can look fine while being in agony and bone-deep exhausted. I also wanted to touch upon how you can try to pace and rest and look after yourself, but sometimes life has other plans. Sometimes we just have to keep going, because we don’t have others who can help or because there are simply too many things happening at once. These things happen and it might throw a big spanner in the works of your self-care, but don’t let it derail you entirely.

A Chronic Illness Birthday

Birthdaying with chronic illness isn’t always the easiest of occasions. There may be a degree of resentment for not having friends to remember it’s our birthday, the feeling of missing out on the joyous celebrations you’d hope to have, the feelings of loneliness if you’re spending it alone. Even if you have people in your offline life, you may be lacking those deeper connections you may have had pre-illness, when you were all on a similar level. With chronic illness, the playing field changes, others don’t understand, friends disappear… nothing is quite the same.

It can tarnish a birthday, but I think part of the problem is the build up and all of the expectations that come with birthdays. It’s a long list of ‘shoulds’ and ideas in our heads about how birthdays should look. We start to want those things, and when we can’t have them or they don’t happen, it’s not surprising we feel off kilter. Maybe you feel frustrated, resentful, angry, lonely or simply fed up, or maybe it’s a mix of everything. It’s okay to feel however you feel, you don’t need to feel guilty about being miserable or down on your birthday. 

Facing The Chronic Birthday Blues

When you boil it down, the whole notion of time is bizarre. It’s a social construct, as are birthdays. When you think about it, it’s pretty crazy that once every 365 days, we call it a birthday and there are balloons, cake, music, friends, parties, presents in shiny paper, days out, cards and well wishes from fiends and family. At least that’s what convention says. 

Of course we can do whatever we wish on our own birthdays, but therein lies a bit of the problem with chronic illness. We may not be able to plan or we may not feel up to doing anything other than surviving the day, much as we do every other day. But that doesn’t stop us from wishing we could. 

If you’re feeling shitty when your birthday rolls around, embrace it. Don’t feel you have to put on a brave face and recite all the things you’re grateful for while gritting your teeth. 

This year I just feel shattered and a bit fed up. I want to rest, I want a day of doing nothing. This week has made me relish the idea of slowing down after having to push so hard, making myself all the more ill. I mostly just feel tired and I can’t think straight with the pain. 

It’s your birthday and you can cry if you want to. 

♥

Now, I obviously don’t want anyone upset or recommend crying on a birthday, but there’s no denying that it can be a disappointing or upsetting time for many. I’m fighting back against the need to hide how we’re feeling and take it graciously in our stride just as we feel we have to with everything else. For the one day a year, we can be honest if we’re feeling a bit shitty. Let’s take that one day and go from there, because being a bit more honest when we’re doing it tough might just take some pressure off ourselves.

After we get through the hurdle of how shitty it all is, we can rest. Then we can pick ourselves back up, say f*ck it, and get back on track. You deserve to have good days in your life, despite chronic illness. You deserve to feel loved, to feel fulfilled, to feel hopeful. And you absolutely deserve to start taking back a little control if your life where you can. Make more time and space in your world for the things you enjoy. 

After all of the busyness of late, and after spending my birthday morning split between tidying up and working, I’m most looking forward to an hour or two to do nothing. To just sit, rest, maybe read my book with a slice of cake. I don’t have presents to open so I bought myself a new Alice in Wonderland mug from the Disney site that I’ve been eyeing for the longest time. I love it! I also picked up a necklace on sale in Sainsbury’s (£3 bargain!) when I bought my cake.

Little treats for ourselves can pick us up. Don’t wait for others to do it, especially if you don’t have offline friends.

I’ve had cards from relatives in the UK, an email from relatives in Australia, and a card I bought for my parents to give to me, and I’m grateful for every message. They mean a lot to me, as do all of the comments on InvisiblyMe and the emails with my online friends, in and out of the blogging world.

It’s easier said than done, but forget about those that have forgotten about you, and focus on those that haven’t. Don’t forget the online community and your friends there because they count, too.

A Slice Of Chronic Cake, Anyone?

I bought myself a big chocolate cake this year so I’d be honoured if you’d like to share a piece of cake* with me today. I’d like to say a big thank you to all of you in the blogging community and my online friends for making the online world such an awesome place.

Cheers!

Stay safe, everyone. Sending my love. Have a relaxing Sunday & a positive week ahead if you can. 

Caz ♥

*Virtual cake is fat-free, gluten-free, lactose-free & suitable for everyone!