I should make clear here that this isn’t a soppy, sweet or romantic post. For the last few years, I’ve been exempt from the perils of Valentine’s Day. I’m all for love conquering all and I’m genuinely happy when others are loved up, but as a single girl with chronic illness who might as well be a nun, the only thing I care about is the Valentine’s tat at 50% off on February 15th.
Here are a few things I’d quite like for V Day. Spoiler alert: This post is not to be taken seriously (and neither is Valentine’s Day).
1. Obligatory Chocolate
It’s such a cliche but I’d be happy to receive chocolate, even though I eat it every day so it’s more of a dietary staple than a treat. Lindt, Maltesers or Galaxy Caramel please. My sexy Valentine wish? A threesome with all of them. I like to see chocolate as a medication rather than a treat because I need to keep the calories up when I’m not eating much else and my stoma is pretty happy with chocolate. Thank fuck because I couldn’t do a life without chocolate*.
*Any chocolate featuring fruit or mint does not count. Orange chocolate is the devil’s work.
You can leave the flowers though. In 2020+ anti-bac spray everything that comes into the house (Covid isn’t welcome here) and I don’t think they’d appreciate being doused in Dettol.
2. A Friend
A genuine, honest to god friend who I can see in person (not during the pandemic, obviously, STAY AWAY). Someone that ‘gets’ me and where we can talk about deep and meaningful shit while also having a laugh. Where the relationship is a two way street. Not a friend that uses me as a convenience when they need something. Not someone who secretly just wants to get into my boob-high pants. Not a friend that will walk away. I’ve given up on friends for the most part IRL (‘In Real Life’, because I’m down with the kids).
The online chronic illness community has blessed me with some wonderful friends. Apart from this woman called Mary who emailed me recently simply to make me feel like shit, coming out with so many lies I couldn’t keep track of them all and suggesting I seek forgiveness from God for my unrelenting anger at the injustices in the world. I’d been there for her as an online friend for a few years, so it was pretty hurtful. If you can’t trust an older Christian woman who knits all day then who can you trust? This is why I still yearn for a golden retriever. Before you pass the tiny violin, I’m okay with it. Really, I am. I think.
3. A Hand Massage
Forget a foot massage, I want somebody with a hand fetish. My hands are so, so sore from all the (obsessive) washing that even hardcore O’Keeffe’s cream can’t repair them adequately. There are so many splits in the skin that I’m leaving a bloody trail everywhere I go. Someone to soothe my paws would be much-appreciated, someone who will preferably stick around afterwards to make me tea and bring me cookies while my hands are still sodden with moisturiser.
4. Sexy Undies
I’ve forgotten what sexy underwear is like anymore. I’ve got bras that don’t touch my chest because my boobs disappeared, and shorts-style pants for comfort. I’ve also got these giant knickers designed to conceal the stoma bag that I can easily pull up high enough to keep my neck warm.
I remember the days I used to have fancy bras from Ann Summers or give my old boyfriends nightmares with a lacy corset I’d inevitably nearly strangle myself with trying to untie it and get it off.
5. No Suggestions For My Unused Sexiness
I know people mean well, but I squirm when I’m told I ‘should’ go out and meet people, I ‘should’ hook up with someone or get a boyfriend. I guess they think I’m a wrinkle away from the grave and my ovaries are going to be covered in cobwebs by now. There are reasons why I can’t and don’t have a boyfriend, sex life or social life, none of which I wish to get into. The dust accruing in my vagina is none of your concern.
6. Silly Videos, Funny Memes & Cute Animal Pics
Since my health really went down the toilet in 2015, I’ve developed an unhealthy level of stress and sense of guilt. Good job I started off with low blood pressure. I’ve had so much to do lately with all the extra jobs during the pandemic, not to mention working my butt off for peanuts since losing my job to surgeries. It gets to me because I can’t keep up and I lose so, so much time to being too poorly.
I’d like an endless supply of hilarious pics and videos because when times get stressful, there’s nothing a dog fighting with his reflection in the mirror, a rude Boris meme, or a cat falling off the sofa won’t fix.
7. Jewellery
I’m such a jewellery whore but I just can’t get enough of it. I’ve got such a limited budget that I’ve just accrued drawers full of cheap tat under £5, with a couple of special pieces that I wear for special occasions, like smear tests or taking the bins out. Give me some gothic or art deco finds on eBay or some sterling shinies from House of Silver and I’m happy. Get me gold and I’ll never talk to you again.
8. True Love On Valentine’s Day
Just kidding! I’ll settle for a cuddle with my cat (when he’s not farting), a hot chocolate (size XXL) and an endless supply of snacks. Pair that with a decent TV series or a good book and that’s all the orgasmic romance I need. However, if someone would like to take the bins out for me or Dettol the shit out of all the supermarket shopping I bring home (damn you Covid) then my heart is yours.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
(Don’t) Be My Valentine
Sure, chronic illness life gets lonely. But for Valentine’s Day let’s remember the joy of being single. Saving money on another person that we can instead spend on ourselves. Getting ALL the chocolate and even being able to double up the damn blanket. Not having to shave your legs (or your face fur, for the guys). Not having to worry about offending anyone else when you can only offend yourself with your disgusting chocolate-smeared face.
It’s better than reminiscing about the good old days when you can no longer remember what it feels like to hold someone’s hand and you probably never will again. That’s just a bummer.
Pass me my Tramadol, a giant cup of tea and a yearly supply of medicinal Lindt this Valentine’s Day, because me and my unloved body parts are having the same day we always have as a sick singleton.
Lots of love and smoochy kisses to you all. Happy Valentine’s!
Caz ♥
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78 comments
Well said…a unique time for all of us to be sure
Cheers, John. Unique is certainly one way of putting it..! ????
These are all good and valid requests, unfortunately I have no advise for you in this regard, sorry. I personally don’t remember the last time I had a valentine on valentine’s day, or received a gift for valentine other than flowers from my kids, does that count??? 🙂 and so I decided that for everything I want I’m just giving it to myself 🙂 Wishing you a wonderful valentine’s day and lots of cuttles with your cat. Happy Valentine’s Day xoxo
Aww flowers from your kids absolutely count! I think Valentine’s is a load of nonsense, but if you’re loved up then it can be sweet, even in a cliche kind of way. It’s a good excuse to remember to treat ourselves, not just once a year either. Be good to YOU, Masha ???? Have a relaxing weekend my friend xx
Caz I’ve been meaning to tell you that when I want to click “like”, to indicate that I’ve read your response and I like it, I can’t because the screen just stays on “loading”. I’m not sure why, but I just wanted to let you know so you don’t think I’m not reading your responses. 🙂
Have you tried not washing your hands so much and just keeping them away from your face? If you can’t do that, try collodial silver gel, which is very good for healing (the liquid can be used internally for IBS, etc., if it is the ‘for external use’ type. Great stuff! I’ve seen people with 2nd degree burns (hand in deep fat frier up to wrist) totally recover and without a scar by just using the gel.
I have a little OCD that’s piqued during the pandemic, and I have to be very careful at home because of living with elderly, highly at risk parents. The collodial silver gel sounds very interesting though. I’ve heard about it before but never tried it. I’ll have to check it out – thanks very much for the recommendation! xx
Hells yes to all of the above! Especially orange chocolate being the devil’s work. That stuff is nasty. I hope you get inundated with ridiculous pet media, that would be the best kind of Valentine in my opinion.
Hurrah, another orange-choc-hater. I can’t conceal my disgust when I see that stuff ???? Let’s hope both of us can find ourselves plenty of funny cats online to lighten the mood this weekend! Have a relaxing one (I would say a low pain one, but I feel that’s extreme wishful thinking!) ???? xx
Bring on the chocolate! And I’m on totally with you on the orange chocolate!
Yessss, another orange-choc-hater to add to the list. The stuff is pure nasty. Then again, I’m a bit funny with fruit being mixed in anything, it should be eaten on its own (or maybe I’m just super boring). Have yourself a chocolate-filled Sunday lovely xx
I hope you get all of these things, Caz. You deserve them.
Have a fabulous day. Big hug. ♥
Naww thanks, Sandee. Happy Valentine’s to you & hubby, I hope you have a lovely weekend ???? xx
Yaaaas, Keep the amazing self love????????????????
Right back at’cha lovely – have a relaxing weekend! ???? xx
For Velentine’s Day, I hope ou get all that and so much more (starting with the chocolate threesome).
You deserve it.
Now, I gotta go out and buy some chocolate. You got me in the mood for dark chocolate.????
Damn, that’s something I should have added next to the Devil’s orange chocolate. Dark chocolate ????
I’m looking forward to the new social media & YouTube venture, Drew. Until then, take care of yourself & have all the chocolate you can manage this weekend, it’d be rude not to ???? xx
I’m with you on the chocolate. Happy Galentines Caz x
I hope you have an abundance of chocolate to see you through the weekend, Jo – Happy Galentine’s ???? xx
Same to you, baby. I’d be happy to share that chocolate with you.
Here’s to us & an endless chocolate supply ???? Have a restful weekend, B ???? xx
Hope you get all you wish for.
Thanks – Happy Valentine’s, have a lovely weekend ????
I love your post and you know why without me repeating the crap of why I definitely will be staying single. Thankfully, I have not heard why I shouldn’t start dating again for sime years now. But if I do, I am saving my energy and voice and will instead just give the middle finger.
Plain simple underwear for me, just to be comfortable.
If I shave my legs, than that’s for my benefit.
Chocolate, dvd’s I fancy watching and whatever else I fancy, will do.
Yes, you can’t beat cats for dates.
I’m so glad you liked the post and ‘get it’ as I’d intended it. I’m also glad you’ve not had any reminders on the dating front. The middle finger is a good response. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that one!
Comfy undies, hairy legs only shaved for our own benefit, and doing whatever we please because we want to. Amen to that! Me & my unloved body thank you for the great comment, Liz. I hope you have a relaxing weekend ???? x
Enjoy your day with your cat. Cats are fantastic. ????
Thanks, Rachel. I never used to be a cat person, but they’ve got a way of flashing their cute eyes & putting you under their spell! Have a lovely weekend xx
Loved reading this post so well written ,hope you have a nice time with all the stuff that you love !
I’m glad you liked the post, Nisha, thanks – have a lovely weekend yourself, Happy Galentine’s xx
You had me at Maltesers! Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you get everything you wish for!
I hope you can find a big box of Maltesers to lose yourself in, Michelle. Yum yum! Happy Valentine’s lovely ???? xx
Happy Valentine’s Day, Caz! ♥ I hope each of your V-Day wishes come true & then some.
It does my heart good to hear that you have online friends who you feel loved and supported by because we need those. (I count you as one!) I do hear you about in real life friendships though. There are still some amazingly honest, loving, committed, empathetic, and genuine people in this world. Sadly we just hear too much about the ones doing all the wrong. (sigh)
My favorite part was your line, “This post is not to be taken seriously (and neither is Valentine’s Day).” Amen! As a single woman, I really didn’t give it much thought at all. Now, as a married woman, I make sure my husband knows that I’m not looking for the commercialized ‘romance’ nonsense known as V-Day. In my humble opinion, it’s nothing more than a money making day. EVERY day should be a day to celebrate the ones you value in your life – not a few days a year.
Sending love to you, my friend. I hope your day is extra special, filled with yummy chocolates, good reads, hilarious memes and all the other simple pleasures in life!
Luckily the friend part on here wasn’t too serious as I think I gave up on that part of my life a little while ago. Even if I had a friend ‘IRL’, my health would make it almost impossible to go out and plan things, but it still hurts when people walk away. I’m grateful to the online world too, such an amazing bunch of people (mostly!) and I absolutely count you as a gem, Holly ????
I love your views on Valentine’s Day. It should be every day we celebrate those we love, not just one day a year to buy tat while the singletons are left feeling miserable. I do find it a bit more difficult since relationships were taken off the cards for me, but I can absolutely be happy for others and I can still smile when I see love between people. My heart isn’t stone cold just yet 😉 Lots of love to you too, Holly – I hope you day is filled with rest, chocolate & more chocolate! xx
Chocolate owns my soul. I absolutely L O V E Maltesers, but it’s difficult to find them here.
Oh my, what do you mean- no orange chocolate?? Strawberry chocolate and orange chocolate are both awesome. Terry’s Chocolate Oranges are absolutely fabulous.
Great post, Caz!! Mary annoys me and I haven’t even met her.
stay sticky,
[pbs}
Sounds like we’re both slaves to chocolate! I’m glad you’ve been able to try Maltesers at least because they’re sooo good, but it’s rubbish that you can’t easily get them there. Have you tried Lindt? I think that should be available on medical prescription. The best. I’m sorry we have to disagree on the fruit-flavoured chocolate though, bleugh.
Staying sticky is easy when you’re covered in chocolate ???? Have a lovely Sunday! xx
Hope you get as many as you can!
Thanks! I hope you’re having a relaxing weekend ???? x
Well said! Chocolate and wine are my dietary staples these days, and I’ve developed an obsession with home shopping from Avon and Body Shop to keep my hand cream supplies stocked up 😉
I’ve been married for 10 years (currently separated), with my husband for 20 years, and I cannot remember ever celebrating Valentine’s Day in the romantic sense. In fact, I’ve been inspired to write a blog post about the death of romance and what it means, going live tomorrow. I wish I could lighten up about the whole thing, but such are the times we live in. I do need some romance in my life, and I’m bored of my own company these days!
If you had to choose between wine & chocolate, which would you choose? Or is that an impossible one to answer? ???? I miss having an Avon seller to order from them, I’m always so averse to the delivery fee. I’m so tight with money! Glad you have regular top-ups of hand cream though, keep looking after your paws. I’m sorry things have been that way with regards to Valentine’s and romance generally of late. I’m looking forward to reading your post. Don’t feel the need to lighten it up – be honest, be raw, even if it feels like it might be unpopular. Reality is better than positive mush. I wish I could send some romance your way! ???? xx
You can’t make me choose!!! Wine and chocolate go together, there’s no one or the other! 😉
I’m lucky that my local friend is an Avon rep so it’s easy to get carried away. My hands are really dry at the best of times, even worse now with the extra hand-washing, so I need lots of intense moisturiser. I’ve also tried different eye creams and facial treatments to help with my chronic condition. I find a bit of self-care makes the world of difference when you feel down 🙂
Hahah I knew that would be a tricky question! You’re right, some things just have to go together, no two ways about it.
It’s great your friend’s a rep so you can easily order via her. I remember buying plenty of great products from them but it was years ago. Self-care really does make a big difference. It’s a shame though that those times when we feel down or generally awful are when we need it the most but are probably much less inclined to do it. xx
Thank you for sharing and Happy Valentines Day!.. no matter how you may feel, you are unique, special and because of you, the world is a better place!!.. 🙂
Until we meet again..
May the love that you give
Always return to you,
That family and friends are many
And always remain true,
May your mind only know peace
No suffering or strife,
May your spirit only know love and happiness
On your journey through life.
(Larry “Dutch” Woller)
That’s so very sweet, thank you! I wish my mind knew peace, that sounds like a wonderful state of being, doesn’t it? Happy Valentine’s Day to you – I hope your Sunday is filled with rest, yummy food & positive vibes x
I wish I could send you about a ton of chocolate for your enjoyment Caz! There’s just nothing quite like a little really good chocolate, is there? I had to laugh when you talked about Virgil farting. I didn’t know cats do that, although I definitely have proof that dogs do. ???? I’m sorry to hear about your so-called ‘friend’ who hurt you recently. You are one of the most positive and inspiring people I know, and don’t believe anyone who says differently. Sending you lots of love and hugs this Valentine’s Day and always!
“A little really good chocolate”, Terri? Forget the “little” part and I absolutely agree! ???? I know our old dog used to be far worse with the farting but cats definitely do it too, they’re just more subtle. Then they look at you with their tiny sweet face as if to say “I couldn’t possibly have done that”. They’re not to be trusted!
That’s so kind of you to say, Terri. I wanted to get it off my chest about this person partly in case she’s doing it to others, and partly because I know I won’t be the only one attacked or let down by another they thought they could trust in the online world. For the most part, people in the blogging & chronic illness communities have been absolutely wonderful, second to none. But I suppose there will always be someone who has a mean streak somewhere.
Sending love right back at’cha, Terri. Happy Valentine’s ???? xx
Happy Valentine’s Day lovely. I hope you get your list! X
Thanks, Molly! Happy Valentine’s to you, too – I hope you’re having a lovely weekend x
Caz, this is hilarious. Maybe I shouldn’t be laughing at your dusty vagina, but you have a way with words!
I have so many online friends, but thankfully none like Mary. What kind of friend does she think she is?
I’m 54, been married for 28 years, so it’s just another day in this house. No rushing out for flowers or sexy undies. Oh god, I don’t own and wouldn’t thank him for that. Chocolate, yes. But chocolate’s for life, not just Valentine’s Day.
And…”Orange chocolate is the devil’s work.” 100% agree.
Hahah I’m glad you liked that part! I figured people would either chuckle or find it vulgar, and there’s no in-between.
For the most part, I’ve found the online world with the blogging & chronic illness community to be incredible, so warm & non-judgemental, so very priceless. I suppose you’ll always get the odd person with a mean streak, but it felt like a violation nonetheless as it was no unexpected.
28 days of marriage is wonderful, Liz. The comfort between each other and the trust is worth far, far more than some tacky teddy or sexy undies. Chocolate, however, might be more valuable. It depends how much chocolate we’re talking ???? Thanks for the comment – I hope your Sunday is a relaxing one, wrap up warm ???? x
I’m dying. RLMFAO Caz I’m dying. “The dust accruing in my vagina is none of your concern”……you are too much! Loved this post and the LOL it gave me. Thanks!! ❤️
Me & my dusty vagina thank you, Stace! ???? Sending hugs xxxx
100% agree that chocolate is a dietary staple! But I do love a Terry’s Chocolate Orange, and Aldi’s dark chocolate orange mousse bar ???? I share your opinion that Valentine’s Day is just a money-spinner. It’s just another day in the week for me and my partner… we’re more excited for Pancake Day on Tuesday!! Hope you get some of what you’re wishing for.
I see, so you’re friends with the devil & his orange-flavoured choccies! ???? I’d agree on pancake day being much more interesting & exciting than Valentine’s Day. I didn’t even get any half price chocolate this year either. Boooo. Hope you & your partner enjoy your pancakes! ???? xx
I’m with you on the chocolate with mint or fruit in it, although I do rather like dark orange chocolate, dark chocolate with bits of bacon in it, or dark chocolate with salt or cayenne type pepper in it. Or, uh, dark chocolate in general. I would like for you to get the other things on your list as well ― and I hope my little friends (you know who they are) fulfill some of your silly videos/cute animal pic requirements! 😉
Dark chocolate with bacon isn’t one I’ve ever since in the shops but there’s a sick part of me that likes this idea (the other part of me wishes I were vegetarian ????). Enjoy your chocolate, it’s good for the soul. And your little friends bring a smile to my face in every single post, so thank you all! xx
Happy Valentine’s Day, Caz!
Have a gooey, chocolatey, lolling around, cat smooching extravaganza of a day. Well, what’s left of it.
Grab a duvet, and the remote-control, settle down … what’s not to like?
And anyway, you’re worth it.
Maz XX
You make gooey, chocolatey, lolling around days so delicious! Thank you for the lovely comment. I think the week should be like you described – I hope yours is filled with chocolate & goodness, Maz! ???? xx
Definitely with you on the half price chocolate on the 15th, definitely some bargains to be had, bring on the Ferrero rochet.
How disappointed was I this year to discover NO half price chocolate, or any other Valentine’s tat?! Did you get yourself any? Worst Valentine’s EVER ????
Loved this list! Although, I would trade and I’d trade in a hand massage for a scalp massage any day!
Ooo a scalp massage would be pretty lovely. I hope someone kindly offers to massage your noggin, Allie, or maybe drop a hint by rubbing your head on them like a cat ????
I LOVE this post – honesty, vulnerability and humor! I will disagree about the orange chocolate – if it’s quality chocolate it’s nice every now and then.
Aw thank you, Sandy – I’m really glad you liked the post! This devil’s orange chocolate definitely seems to be popular (just not with me ????). I hope you get yourself some as a treat soon!
I do hope that your humour, at least, supports you through the worst times, Caz. I know your writing is incredibly heart warming, honest, and just plain good reading. You know that’s meant as the highest compliment I can give!
xoxoxo
And I appreciate the hell out of that – thank you so much, Carolyn, that’s such a kind thing to say. As for the humour, I wouldn’t be here today without it, it really is a live-saver and soul-soother. I hope this week treats you kindly lovely ???? xx
Good laugh and great list. Hope you had a good day!
I thought a light-hearted take would be better for this one so I’m glad you liked it. Thanks lovely – Hope you have a great week ???? xx
Sorry for shouting, but—I LOVE EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF THIS POST.
AND I LOVE COMMENTS LIKE THIS! ???? Thank you! xx
Ha! Ha! Orange chocolate is the devil’s work;) I actually like it, although, I have to stay DF, so… I have found good DF chocolate and then melt it into coconut condensed milk for an awesome hot fudge. My Valentine’s Day wasn’t a traditional lovey-dovey one. It involved heart pizzas with my kids (and hubby) and a sleepover on the couch with my 5-year old granddaughter. Still, perfection:)
I’m glad you’ve found a good dairy-free chocolate. I don’t think I’ve actually tried one but I hope it’s delicious so you’re not having to compromise on taste. Melting with coconut condensed milk to make a hot fudge concoction is such a good idea. Mmmmm yum! Your Valentine’s sounds pretty awesome to me with that pizza. I suppose spending time with your kids, granddaughter & hubby wasn’t too bad either ???? I hope you have a good rest of your week lovely xx
Hey, I want that too. Do I need to wait till next year?
Although, take out the sexy underwear. I’d rather wear comfy ones.
Nah, any day is a good excuse for all of these! Apart from the sexy underwear, I’m with you on that now, I’d rather comfies (and pajamas, of course) ???? xx
If only we lived within the same county (and there wasn’t a pandemic!). I feel we’d have a good natter putting the world to rights, chat over the latest thriller novel or box set, and eat plenty of chocolate. I would suggest our cats could be friends to… but they’d hate that.
I love a good crochet session, but thankfully my name isn’t Mary.
I can absolutely see us scarfing chocolate & having a good natter, but you’re right, the cats may want to claw each other to pieces ???? I see cute videos of cats hanging out with each other looking all lovey dovey and cute, and I think how apeshit my cat goes just seeing another feline through the window. I’ve longed for a golden retriever for years now but I think my cat would raise hell if that happened like something out of Poltergeist. x
Husband and I rarely exchange gifts for valentine’s day. There’s so much pressure to prove your love on valentine’s day. Although, I wouldn’t complain about getting a few chocolates!
I do not like this Mary. Sorry to hear about your interaction with her. Tell her that everyone that reads this blog think she needs to mind her own damn beeswax.
Aww haha, thanks, Linds! I was so upset by it, and I know that’s probably my fault because I need to ‘toughen up’, but I can’t help it. I get the feeling it’s something that she might have done / will do similar to other people, so I wanted to give a heads up just in case. As for Valentine’s Day, you’re right, there really is too much pressure to ‘prove’ your love when really that’s something you do every day anyway, without even realising it. If we were in the same country I’d happily share my chocolate supply with you; I don’t need an excuse to buy myself oodles of the stuff! I hope you have a relaxing weekend lovely ???? xx
I’m just reading random posts of yours but this one had me roaring with laughter. I’m just glad I wasn’t eating or drinking at the time or I would have done a spittake on my laptop screen (done that before, oops). Sorry about your online friend though. I don’t know why people turn, I had one in particular that watched/targeted me and then the fakery began. Weird!!