I should make clear here that this isn’t a soppy, sweet or romantic post. For the last few years, I’ve been exempt from the perils of Valentine’s Day. I’m all for love conquering all and I’m genuinely happy when others are loved up, but as a single girl with chronic illness who might as well be a nun, the only thing I care about is the Valentine’s tat at 50% off on February 15th.
Here are a few things I’d quite like for V Day. Spoiler alert: This post is not to be taken seriously (and neither is Valentine’s Day).
1. Obligatory Chocolate
It’s such a cliche but I’d be happy to receive chocolate, even though I eat it every day so it’s more of a dietary staple than a treat. Lindt, Maltesers or Galaxy Caramel please. My sexy Valentine wish? A threesome with all of them. I like to see chocolate as a medication rather than a treat because I need to keep the calories up when I’m not eating much else and my stoma is pretty happy with chocolate. Thank fuck because I couldn’t do a life without chocolate*.
*Any chocolate featuring fruit or mint does not count. Orange chocolate is the devil’s work.
You can leave the flowers though. In 2020+ anti-bac spray everything that comes into the house (Covid isn’t welcome here) and I don’t think they’d appreciate being doused in Dettol.
2. A Friend
A genuine, honest to god friend who I can see in person (not during the pandemic, obviously, STAY AWAY). Someone that ‘gets’ me and where we can talk about deep and meaningful shit while also having a laugh. Where the relationship is a two way street. Not a friend that uses me as a convenience when they need something. Not someone who secretly just wants to get into my boob-high pants. Not a friend that will walk away. I’ve given up on friends for the most part IRL (‘In Real Life’, because I’m down with the kids).
The online chronic illness community has blessed me with some wonderful friends. Apart from this woman called Mary who emailed me recently simply to make me feel like shit, coming out with so many lies I couldn’t keep track of them all and suggesting I seek forgiveness from God for my unrelenting anger at the injustices in the world. I’d been there for her as an online friend for a few years, so it was pretty hurtful. If you can’t trust an older Christian woman who knits all day then who can you trust? This is why I still yearn for a golden retriever. Before you pass the tiny violin, I’m okay with it. Really, I am. I think.
3. A Hand Massage
Forget a foot massage, I want somebody with a hand fetish. My hands are so, so sore from all the (obsessive) washing that even hardcore O’Keeffe’s cream can’t repair them adequately. There are so many splits in the skin that I’m leaving a bloody trail everywhere I go. Someone to soothe my paws would be much-appreciated, someone who will preferably stick around afterwards to make me tea and bring me cookies while my hands are still sodden with moisturiser.
4. Sexy Undies
I’ve forgotten what sexy underwear is like anymore. I’ve got bras that don’t touch my chest because my boobs disappeared, and shorts-style pants for comfort. I’ve also got these giant knickers designed to conceal the stoma bag that I can easily pull up high enough to keep my neck warm.
I remember the days I used to have fancy bras from Ann Summers or give my old boyfriends nightmares with a lacy corset I’d inevitably nearly strangle myself with trying to untie it and get it off.
5. No Suggestions For My Unused Sexiness
I know people mean well, but I squirm when I’m told I ‘should’ go out and meet people, I ‘should’ hook up with someone or get a boyfriend. I guess they think I’m a wrinkle away from the grave and my ovaries are going to be covered in cobwebs by now. There are reasons why I can’t and don’t have a boyfriend, sex life or social life, none of which I wish to get into. The dust accruing in my vagina is none of your concern.
6. Silly Videos, Funny Memes & Cute Animal Pics
Since my health really went down the toilet in 2015, I’ve developed an unhealthy level of stress and sense of guilt. Good job I started off with low blood pressure. I’ve had so much to do lately with all the extra jobs during the pandemic, not to mention working my butt off for peanuts since losing my job to surgeries. It gets to me because I can’t keep up and I lose so, so much time to being too poorly.
I’d like an endless supply of hilarious pics and videos because when times get stressful, there’s nothing a dog fighting with his reflection in the mirror, a rude Boris meme, or a cat falling off the sofa won’t fix.
I’m such a jewellery whore but I just can’t get enough of it. I’ve got such a limited budget that I’ve just accrued drawers full of cheap tat under £5, with a couple of special pieces that I wear for special occasions, like smear tests or taking the bins out. Give me some gothic or art deco finds on eBay or some sterling shinies from House of Silver and I’m happy. Get me gold and I’ll never talk to you again.
8. True Love On Valentine’s Day
Just kidding! I’ll settle for a cuddle with my cat (when he’s not farting), a hot chocolate (size XXL) and an endless supply of snacks. Pair that with a decent TV series or a good book and that’s all the orgasmic romance I need. However, if someone would like to take the bins out for me or Dettol the shit out of all the supermarket shopping I bring home (damn you Covid) then my heart is yours.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
(Don’t) Be My Valentine
Sure, chronic illness life gets lonely. But for Valentine’s Day let’s remember the joy of being single. Saving money on another person that we can instead spend on ourselves. Getting ALL the chocolate and even being able to double up the damn blanket. Not having to shave your legs (or your face fur, for the guys). Not having to worry about offending anyone else when you can only offend yourself with your disgusting chocolate-smeared face.
It’s better than reminiscing about the good old days when you can no longer remember what it feels like to hold someone’s hand and you probably never will again. That’s just a bummer.
Pass me my Tramadol, a giant cup of tea and a yearly supply of medicinal Lindt this Valentine’s Day, because me and my unloved body parts are having the same day we always have as a sick singleton.
Lots of love and smoochy kisses to you all. Happy Valentine’s!
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