Home Lifestyle I’m Coming Out!

I’m Coming Out!

by InvisiblyMe

Since my ‘health issues’ started and everything began going downhill, I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut. There are some things you just don’t talk about, things that are personal and private that make you cringe just at the thought of someone else knowing about, be they mental, physical or both. There are things you don’t want aired in public because it may change how someone sees you, how they think about you, how they treat you. Embarrassment, shame, resentment, isolation… it gets exhausting. Eventually, I started to let slip a few things – I’m not doing too well, I get exhausted, I have pernicious anaemia, I get migraines. But none of the important stuff, nothing to give the ‘whole story’.

In starting this blog, I didn’t have a clue what I really expected to do. I knew I wanted to write about invisible illnesses to raise awareness and look at how we can go about coping and getting our lives back, and how we can navigate the system that too often fails us in diagnosis and treatment. But how can I do much of this, or share any of my experiences properly, without revealing myself?

Again, it’s like I’m still living a double life and trying to hide so much of myself. It’s a cycle that’s incredibly difficult to break, and the prospect of sharing things is more than a little terrifying.

Since a recent trip to A&E, another close walk to the edge of wanting to give up, I started to question whether this weight of hiding away is really worth bearing.

What does it really matter? Do I care, or should I care, what anyone else thinks? Will it really be the end of the world that I anticipate it to be if people that know me, mostly people that don’t even see or talk to me any more, what I’m going through? Heck, people are going through a bucket load worse than me – but what I’m going through is my journey and it’s a tough one because I don’t have an overly positive disposition at the best of times. I find things tough. I don’t always see the bright side and tackle problems with gusto. I stress, I worry, I fret and I get down. I’m human. As are we all. Therefore, what I’m going through isn’t a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but in my world it is. And in your world, what you’re going through is a big deal. That’s the way it is. Why make things harder by adding to it?

I am holding myself accountable. I don’t want to have to continually try to pretend to be fine when I’m falling apart. To make excuses for the things I don’t do because in reality I’m too unwell. To feel the pressure of knowing I look ‘fine’ when I’m anything but, and still trying so desperately to tick the boxes I’m not ticking (relationship, social life, career, own apartment, a family of my own, etc etc) because I haven’t been able to. In a similar vein, I don’t want to feel guilty or judged for a moment where I leave the house and dare to smile or have a moment of enjoyment. I constantly feel like I can’t measure up and it’s lousy. It’s miserable. And I don’t want to do it any more.

First Outing With Bag

So if you are in a similar position, dealing silently with an inner struggle and hidden illness, ask yourself whether the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and ultimately even resentment, are worth it when trying to appear as ‘fine’ on the outside as you may look.

I hope you don’t care – because I’m trying not to so much anymore either!

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ben August 4, 2016 - 5:47 pm

wow i feel the same but i will never let this turn me down, never never never.
i have to keep going on and i will have a family and i will be the winner,
yes the winner the winner the winner xxx

InvisiblyMe September 4, 2016 - 7:37 pm

Yes, you will be the winner! Positivity, strength, courage and perseverance 🙂

Articulate Ana September 4, 2016 - 7:05 pm

Thanks for this post! Reading this, I feel we’ve been through much of a similar process lately: taking small steps towards sharing our invisible struggles and pains. I’m glad you found my blog allowing me to find yours. I’m looking forward to reading how your journey continues! Take care, Ana

Faith January 19, 2018 - 2:21 am

Pretending to be ok is exhausting. Are we pretending for ourselves or others or both?

InvisiblyMe January 21, 2018 - 5:00 pm

Very good point. I would say a bit of both. And yes, very exhausting indeed. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment 🙂

SIMONE April 30, 2018 - 9:47 pm

Sharing my own story through my writing and blogging, and becoming honest and open with my friends and family, shed a huge amount of shame for me. It was scary and difficult, but the more I did it, the easier it became. It’s a difficult thing to do, so much love to you for having the courage to come out. Your story will offer hope and comfort to lots of other people. xx

InvisiblyMe May 1, 2018 - 3:23 pm

I think you’re right in that the more you do it, the less daunting it becomes. I’m glad we’re both ‘coming out’ to the world around around us as you are also an inspiration and a source of encouragement for your readers. Thank you so much for your kind words, Simone – you rock ♥

Jayne June 4, 2019 - 8:12 pm

Hi Caz. You recently visited my new blog, See Jayne Run, at the direction of the lovely Kim (I’ve just met her but she seems to be a powerhouse!) and I thank you for stopping by and taking the time to say hello. Naturally I popped over to Invisibly Me, which appears to be an amazing blog. I can’t wait to dive in. Reading your story feels as though I could have written most of it myself: I so relate to the desire to be visible again yet in a moderately invisible way. Enormous kudos to you for ‘coming out” and finding your voice again. I hope I can come out with as much strength and style as you have. And I hope that we may get to know one another!

InvisiblyMe June 7, 2019 - 2:55 pm

Powerhouse, that’s a good word to describe our Kim! She’s a rockstar, love her to bits. Thank you for popping by here, too. I’m just so sorry you can relate all to well to some of these things. It shocks me that I wrote this post so long ago, it doesn’t feel like it; it was incredibly daunting to write and I debated it for so long, but I’m glad I did. Looking forward to reading more of your blog & getting to know you – the blogging world is a wonderful place when dealing with illness, so I hope you can find your ‘tribe’ with us all 🙂


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