An Alternative Santa Wish List

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Christmas gifts can be great when you get a nice surprise. But the things most of us with chronic illness really want can’t be bought and wrapped with a bow on top. If Santa can pull any strings this year, then maybe there are 10 things I / we could ask for…

1. Brain Velcro

My memory over the last 3 years has gone a bit haywire so brain velcro would save the need to write every tiny thing down.

2. A Year’s Supply of Breyers Ice Cream.

I love this stuff. Low fat & calories, yet high in calcium & protein. And it tastes delicious. Caramel Cake, Creamy Chocolate, and Cookies & Cream are my favourite flavour preferences, in that order. I assume you have a mini-freezer on the Santa sleigh?

3. A Body Double To Attend My Next Surgery

I’ll sit and watch Netflix and water the plants while she’s away.

4. New Gnashers

Healthy gums and nice straight, pearly whites. Please deliver & install my present in my sleep. I hate the dentist.

5. An Off Switch For Migraines.

Chronic migraines are no joke. Is there a way to take the batteries out?

6. …And An Off Switch For Chronic Pain & Chronic Illness.

A switch for everyone in the chronic illness community please. That would be swell, cheers!

7. New Immune System

Forget refurbishments, a fresh immune system would be a great help for a lot of us with various illnesses. Throw in a new pair of lungs for me while you’re there if you’re feeling extra generous.

8. A Large Bowel

I’m having separation anxiety & I miss mine. How’s about a new one, Santa? We can do a present swap with my stoma, that would be just dandy.

9. A New Car

Obviously this one only applies if you have room in the Santa Sack after the immune system, large bowel, ice cream etc.

I was driving home from supermarket the other week with a 2L bottle of Pepsi Max on the back seat. I had rushed and shoved them in there as there was no room in the boot. Had to break suddenly due to an idiot driver in front. The bottle hits my seat with a bang & explodes. There was a Pepsi river in the back, with splashes & puddles of Pepsi everywhere. Attempts to mop up & wipe down took ages and have only left the car sticky & cola-scented.

10. An End To Brexit!

Seriously, this nonsense has gone on long enough. Just end it, we’re all sick of hearing about it. It’s made a mockery of the British. Meanwhile, individuals are using the ‘Brexiteer/remoaner’ nonsense to criticise and judge each other, adding to the hate & increasing the divides in society. Meanwhile, the recent election has sent ripples of anger and crushing disappointment among many of us. It’s certainly a sad and worrying time. Years from now kids will be reading about Brexit in their textbooks (or holographic tablets or textbooks on their VR headsets) and laughing at how ridiculous the Brexit shambles was.

Thanks very much, Santa! *

* PS. If any of the above are out of stock these are possible substitutions – an off switch for stress, world peace, an end to poverty, vaccinations for everyone, cures for all illnesses, affordable quality healthcare for everyone worldwide, a spare replacement battery for more energy, medications without hideous side-effects. And a dog for me, I’d desperately love a golden retriever. Thanks muchly!

What ridiculous but wonderful things would you add to the wish list?

Caz  ♥