Hey. Hi. You. Yes, you. Hello!
I hope you’re all doing as okay as possible, and that for those who have been graced with sunshine that you’ve been able to enjoy it.
I’m back in hospital Monday bright and breezy for surgery no.5 and I would like to say ‘yeah, bring it on!’ and talk about how these things make us stronger and how you’ve just got to roll with the punches. I can’t do a post like that today. It’s been a tough couple of weeks, with my uncle’s funeral and then this past week with problems at home, not feeling well, me stressing over surgery and what to do for the best when weighing up another potential surgery (though no.6 isn’t something I can contemplate right now). You get the picture.
I’ve tried to do a few enjoyable-ish things. I went on that day trip, taking a few hours out to Bristol and it was great, though I had to make sure to pace and not have anything planned for the day after so my body had time to recuperate. I took my mother 10 pin bowling (wearing the Suportx stoma belt to prevent any damage/hernias) and I got my ass kicked even when using the bumpers as apparently I have a tendency to ‘throw the ball in the air’ rather than gracefully bowl it as one’s supposed to.
However, the weeks have been marred quiet considerably. There have been quite a few times that I have felt painfully miserable. Painfully alone. When you try to be there for others and find that, when you are on the edge and just need a friendly face, that there’s nobody there. It hurts. When you look back and feel as though you’ve achieved nothing with your life and that you’re so damn far behind. When you try to look positively towards the future and can only feel how much your heart hurts and how you can’t see what the heck you can do next. I’ve had my fair share of break downs and endless crying, of feeling totally heartbroken and disheartened and lost.
I’ve just been a ball of anger, resentment, fear, hurt, embarrassment, worry, angst and everything in between. It’s feeling lost and too exhausted and wondering whether any of it was worth it and whether there’s anything left to give for the future.
For those who have felt like this before, who feel like it now, and who will feel like it in the future : Please, wait it out. Hold onto a spark of hope for brighter days. Hold on.
I’m still not in the best of places but I’m muddling through. I’ve still got quite a few last minute things left to do today, and then I’ll be away for a few days in hospital and probably catching up on much-needed sleep when I get home for a little while. I’ll going to give my apologies now as I’m not sure when I’ll be back to reading other blogs, replying to comments or emails etc. So it’s a temporary goodbye-for-now and I’ll be back soon. In the mean time, I hope you all stay as healthy and happy as possible.
I also wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to each and every one of you who reads InvisiblyMe, and to those special gems who comment and email. You rock. You mean a heck of a lot to me, and I’ll be eternally grateful for the community I’ve found in the blogging world. I’ll try to update on my Facebook page when I can while I’m away.
Have a good week ahead and I’ll leave you with a classic from REM for the tough days. ♥♥♥