Honest, Hurt & A Temporary Goodbye

 

Hey. Hi. You. Yes, you. Hello!

I hope you’re all doing as okay as possible, and that for those who have been graced with sunshine that you’ve been able to enjoy it.

I’m back in hospital Monday bright and breezy for surgery no.5 and I would like to say ‘yeah, bring it on!’ and talk about how these things make us stronger and how you’ve just got to roll with the punches. I can’t do a post like that today. It’s been a tough couple of weeks, with my uncle’s funeral and then this past week with problems at home, not feeling well, me stressing over surgery and what to do for the best when weighing up another potential surgery (though no.6 isn’t something I can contemplate right now). You get the picture.

I’ve tried to do a few enjoyable-ish things. I went on that day trip, taking a few hours out to Bristol and it was great, though I had to make sure to pace and not have anything planned for the day after so my body had time to recuperate. I took my mother 10 pin bowling (wearing the Suportx stoma belt to prevent any damage/hernias) and I got my ass kicked even when using the bumpers as apparently I have a tendency to ‘throw the ball in the air’ rather than gracefully bowl it as one’s supposed to.

However, the weeks have been marred quiet considerably. There have been quite a few times that I have felt painfully miserable. Painfully alone. When you try to be there for others and find that, when you are on the edge and just need a friendly face, that there’s nobody there. It hurts. When you look back and feel as though you’ve achieved nothing with your life and that you’re so damn far behind. When you try to look positively towards the future and can only feel how much your heart hurts and how you can’t see what the heck you can do next. I’ve had my fair share of break downs and endless crying, of feeling totally heartbroken and disheartened and lost.

I’ve just been a ball of anger, resentment, fear, hurt, embarrassment, worry, angst and everything in between. It’s feeling lost and too exhausted and wondering whether any of it was worth it and whether there’s anything left to give for the future.

For those who have felt like this before, who feel like it now, and who will feel like it in the future : Please, wait it out. Hold onto a spark of hope for brighter days. Hold on.

I’m still not in the best of places but I’m muddling through. I’ve still got quite a few last minute things left to do today, and then I’ll be away for a few days in hospital and probably catching up on much-needed sleep when I get home for a little while. I’ll going to give my apologies now as I’m not sure when I’ll be back to reading other blogs, replying to comments or emails etc. So it’s a temporary goodbye-for-now and I’ll be back soon. In the mean time, I hope you all stay as healthy and happy as possible.

I also wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to each and every one of you who reads InvisiblyMe, and to those special gems who comment and email.  You rock. You mean a heck of a lot to me, and I’ll be eternally grateful for the community I’ve found in the blogging world. I’ll try to update on my Facebook page when I can while I’m away.

Have a good week ahead and I’ll leave you with a classic from REM for the tough days.  ♥♥♥

 

Caz 

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47 Comments

  1. July 8, 2018 / 11:38 am

    Oh Caz I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. I know how you feel about being hurt, I could share a thousand stories with you x
    I think we tend to go the extra mile for people but I find it’s never reciprocated and then I get a bit angry and more sad but do it all over again.
    Il miss you and you are always kind enough to comment on my blog and make me feel a bit better and have some HOPE as that is what we all need isn’t it .
    Hopes for the brighter better days that are to come xx

  2. July 8, 2018 / 11:55 am

    Hope all goes well with the surgery and that you have a speedy recovery. ❤️

  3. July 8, 2018 / 12:04 pm

    Good luck Caz! I’ll be pulling for ya, lass!

  4. July 8, 2018 / 12:35 pm

    Good luck with the operation, stay positive I know things will improve over time.
    I cannot even start to imagine how difficult it is to have so much pain and health-related problems in your life but there is always a light in a tunnel… Sometimes the tunnel is just longer then first anticipated !
    Love, Aggie x

  5. July 8, 2018 / 12:47 pm

    I’m very sorry to hear you are feeling so low, but not surprised given the circumstances. You’ve been through so much already and now you have more battles to face. I’ve only had surgery twice in my life, but completely understand the dread, not only of the op itself, but the recovery period immediately afterwards. You’re human, and nobody expects you to write uplifting posts when you don’t feel that way yourself. However, you will come through this (and number 6 if it happens, too). You may not believe it now but you are an incredibly strong and inspirational woman – and very much admired by a lot of people. Your blog alone is testament to your achievements. I am sending positive thoughts in your direction. I look forward to reading your Facebook message when you feel well enough to post. All the very best to you, Caz. 🤗

  6. July 8, 2018 / 12:58 pm

    Crying is our release valve, and some days we just have to let it all out! Speedy recovery and best wishes to you lovely. :).x

  7. July 8, 2018 / 1:47 pm

    I’m a little late here, I’ve been away but I’m letting you know that I’m keeping you in my prayers and sending you love, light and the healing energy of Archangel Raphael. <3

  8. July 8, 2018 / 1:54 pm

    Caz I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. I know things will get better soon for you because you are an incredible person that deserves NOTHING but the very best. I wish you LOTS of luck with your surgery and hope you have a speedy recovery. I am sending you LOTS of love and positive vibes, I only wish there was more I could do for you!

  9. July 8, 2018 / 1:55 pm

    Oh honey, your operating room is going to be so full tomorrow! I will be there with you as will so many of your friends, family, and followers! I have no doubt that you will bounce back stronger than ever, and we will be right here waiting when you do. If you need to cry, vent scream, or reach out, I promise I am here!

  10. July 8, 2018 / 1:58 pm

    Oh I forgot, I love that song! Thank you for sharing!!!!

  11. July 8, 2018 / 2:02 pm

    I hope this surgery goes well and you’ll be back to your old self. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Have a blessed day. ♥

  12. July 8, 2018 / 2:26 pm

    So sorry to hear that you have been feeling so low and sad. I will be thinking about you tomorrow and wish you a good recovery from your surgery. I’m not going to tell you to take it easy and pace yourself as I know you have no alternative, but please be kind to yourself where possible and draw on the kindness of others.x

  13. July 8, 2018 / 2:26 pm

    Gosh, I hope the surgery goes well and that you can get back to something resembling normality. It’s ok to not be strong all the time. It’s really important that we express that too. It can’t all be sunshine on our blogs even if we are all fighting so hard every day. Xxx

  14. July 8, 2018 / 2:49 pm

    Things WILL go well. (Were all positive) We will wait for your next posts.
    Be Well

  15. Wendy Bloom
    July 8, 2018 / 3:27 pm

    Oh Caz, I am so sad that you are dealing with so much pain and angst at this point in your life. You have been through so much, and I credit you for having stuck with it, and for writing blog posts that are meaningful and affect peoples lives in a positive way. It is so natural and understandable for you to feel overwhelmed and to have crying fits and to feel resentful. You are a lovely person, and you’ve dealt with a great deal of shit. Remember that there are readers like myself who feel love and appreciation for you, and for your writing.

    I hope that this surgery goes smoothly, and that you feel considerable better, once everything has healed. Much love. Wendy

  16. July 8, 2018 / 4:32 pm

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time Caz. I hope the surgery goes well and that your recovery is quick and without any difficulty. Yes, REM were right when they sung ‘Everybody hurts’. And they should have added on the end “and it’s a bitch”. 💛

  17. July 8, 2018 / 4:55 pm

    Sending you a cyber hug. I hope all goes well and things start looking brighter soon.

  18. July 8, 2018 / 5:29 pm

    I am so sorry life has been so tough. Wishing you all the very best for tomorrow. 🌼🌼🌼

  19. July 8, 2018 / 6:53 pm

    Sorry to hear everything is so difficult right now. Hope everything goes well tomorrow!
    Keep us posted.

  20. July 8, 2018 / 7:35 pm

    Hey Caz, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough patch. I hope you know that as alone as you feel, there are people (who haven’t even met you!) who care about you and wish the best for you. I know I’ve been wrapped up in my own world lately but sending you big hugs and hope for a better tomorrow. Shoot me an email whenever you want angelagagliardi@hotmail.com
    Xo 💕

  21. Reviews_by_jc
    July 8, 2018 / 8:07 pm

    Hope your surgery goes well and you have a speedy recovery!

  22. July 8, 2018 / 8:20 pm

    Prayers for a good surgery, quick recovery and healing. Thanks for being a friend. Hang in there. See you on the other side.

  23. July 8, 2018 / 8:29 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear you are have such a tough time of it at the moment. I hope the surgery goes well and that you have a speedy recovery. Sending hugs. xxx

  24. July 8, 2018 / 11:05 pm

    many thanks always for you your honesty — sending you all my very best, my dear <3

  25. July 9, 2018 / 3:18 am

    I’ll be thinking of you and rooting for you.

  26. July 9, 2018 / 5:31 am

    No worries on our end honey, you just get through the surgery and recovery and we will be waiting for you to bring us your love. Keep your energy for yourself and healing.
    Kat

  27. July 9, 2018 / 9:27 am

    Hope your surgery goes well – sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time of it. Invisible illnesses are so hard to deal with on a long term basis xx

  28. July 9, 2018 / 7:21 pm

    Hey, I’ve only just seen this, so your surgery will be over by now, but I hope everything went well. I don’t really know what to say to help, but I hope that the next couple of weeks will be easier. Sending hugs

  29. July 10, 2018 / 2:37 am

    Wishing you luck and a speedy recovery!

  30. July 10, 2018 / 4:12 am

    Thinking of you, Caz!!!! <3 <3 Sending you huge hugs !

  31. July 10, 2018 / 3:56 pm

    May everything goes well.

  32. July 10, 2018 / 7:03 pm

    Sending you hugs and wishing you all the best!

  33. July 10, 2018 / 8:17 pm

    You’re so brave and I wish you all the luck in the world, thinking of you <3

  34. July 11, 2018 / 12:28 pm

    I’m considerably late, but I hope things are looking up by now. With any chronic illness, we seem to have these hard times followed by good times. Wishing you more good times now.

  35. July 12, 2018 / 2:15 am

    Hang in there Caz the world needs you, and get well very soon.

  36. July 15, 2018 / 2:41 am

    Sorry I missed the chance to let you know I’m praying for you BEFORE you went in, but I have been thinking of you and praying!
    God loves you, Caz!

  37. July 22, 2018 / 3:33 am

    I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had to go through so much and are feeling all alone. It’s an awful feeling.
    Sending you positive vibes and wishing you a speedy recovery. My thoughts are with you.

  38. July 23, 2018 / 7:36 pm

    I’m so sorry you’ve been in a rough place, Caz 😘💐💞. And I’m sorry I haven’t been here much for you 😳 Please know you’re not alone; I’m in a similar boat, and I can relate at least in my own way 😘😘. Hang in there, my lovely! This too shall pass (although I know that those words do nothing to relieve any pain right now). Love and hugs to you, my dear one 🌷🍀🌷

    • July 24, 2018 / 4:21 pm

      Nooo don’t be silly Laina, you have your own stuff going on and I appreciate all of your comments and kindness more than you know. Thank you! I do hope you’re okay.. Love and hugs right back at you lovely  ♥ xx

  39. July 24, 2018 / 1:35 am

    Hugs. <3 I'm so sorry you're going through so much. I've been so far behind on blogging the past couple weeks so I didn't see this until now, but I did see another post of yours I'm about to read that says in the title the surgery was a success and for that I'm glad. You're definitely a fighter and your outlook on things is always so inspiring. Sending lots of love and best wishes your way and wishing you a speedy recovery. <3 🙂

  40. July 24, 2018 / 3:56 pm

    Caz, this post is Right On, right now for me. You are right, hang on are the operative words. Chin up. My condolences on the passing of your uncle. Kind regards, Kavita, Sunshiny South Africa

    • July 24, 2018 / 4:18 pm

      That is very kind of you, thank you Kavita. I hope you are well – have a great week 🙂

  41. July 25, 2018 / 6:26 pm

    Wish you a speedy recovery and take care.

  42. July 26, 2018 / 11:15 pm

    Praying that the surgery went well, and that your recovery is swift and relatively painless! Also, praying that you know that there are a lot of people out here who love you and who are cheering you on! <3

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