I feel like a bit of a hypocrite when I write on here or reply to messages from others doing it tough. I can say what I hope are the right things and be positive, but it doesn’t always translate. Things haven’t been so good for me lately and today, after a couple of surgeries and complications and another pending operation, I finally lost my job. It’s elusive because I guess I knew deep down it was tentative for me to keep my job, and has been for a while, given the circumstances. A bit like with any upcoming surgery, however, I seem to speak the thoughts but never really accept or acknowledge them for myself until after the fact. Like it’s happening, but to someone else.
It was something I was desperately but futilely trying to hold on to. It was something I thought I was good at, and now it’s gone. It was a fair termination of employment, and I know I have other things to feel grateful for and be thankful of, but it still stings. I think of the future and panic; I don’t have a ‘career’ or any talents or any plans.
I feel sad, I feel alone, I feel like I don’t have an anchor or know what I’m doing.
I also got diagnosed this morning with Raynaud’s and “undifferentiated connective tissue disease”, for which I’ll have to follow up with another specialist for a trial of medication.
While I don’t feel like it today, at some point I will probably see this as an opportunity. It weighed so heavily on me and worried me so much, all of the meetings and not knowing what would happen. It could be an opportunity to finally let go, to get myself healthier, to start afresh elsewhere whenever the time comes. But not today. Today I feel exhausted with it all.
If you’re feeling the same, please know you’re not alone out there and that however you’re feeling today, and whatever has happened, things won’t be the same tomorrow or next week or a year from now. I’ll post again soon but I just wanted to say thank you to anyone and everyone who reads or comments on this blog as I’m honoured to have you here.x