Cry Your Eyes Out

It may be something in particular that’s happened, a trigger. It could be meds and hormone imbalances. It may be for seemingly no reason. Or perhaps it’s simply because everything has got on top of you; you try hard to distract yourself, numb yourself & stay busy, but suddenly you’ve become overwhelmed, the turbulence lurking under the surface unable to stay hidden any longer.

And then the flood gates open. You cry. You can’t help it. You can’t seem to stop it. The tears come and you wonder how they got there, and how you’ve got so many to cry.

For me, it happened on Saturday. There was some sad news we received; hearing this and seeming my mother upset triggered it, on top of my hormones being out of whack, pain getting difficult to manage and lack of sleep. I don’t know where the rest came from; it hit me from nowhere and I realised I painfully sad, I was angry at so many things, felt let down by people, I felt alone, I had so many regrets, so many worries, so much pent up and bundled up and tucked away. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. This wasn’t about me, this thing that triggered it. But the avalanche that ensued didn’t let up. I tried to keep busy and distract myself but the usual tactics weren’t working. I was exhausted. My head hurt like hell. My eyes were so raw that I actually slept that night for four hours straight through, which is two more than I have for a few weeks. The next day I felt numb, with some intermitted crying like pesky rain showers that come out of nowhere on a sunny day. It’s just a waiting game.

Today, things feel slightly lighter. There’s no crying forecast. There’s no breakdown imminent. Today, I have to get back to focusing on things I need to do and being productive, while trying to appreciate that I’m not all that strong right now. I’ll be driving on Wednesday, all things being well, to take my mother to see her brother, who she hasn’t seen in a few years but speaks to regularly on the phone. If he’s moved before then, we’ll have to delay the trip a few days.

She had a call to say he’s dying. My uncle, who’s been in and out of hospital for weeks and fighting off everything that’s been thrown at him. Now, after many infuriating problems with the hospital and the awful care he’s received, it seems his body may have had enough. I still hope he’ll surprise them all and pull through. He made it through the weekend, which they’d hoped he would. Maybe it’ll be a week, maybe several. Nobody knows. I won’t share more than this, but you get the idea.  I’m not a fan of driving long distances so I’ll factor in a break midway and hopefully get us there in 4 hours, then stay overnight so we can visit him again in the morning. We’ll be seeing other family we haven’t seen in a long time, too. I’ve got a lot of things to sort out before going, appointments to re-arrange, stoma supplies to pack, making sure my father has everything he needs while we’re away, albeit briefly, as his health is a constant worry too.

Would I have cried like I did without that phone call, without seeing my mother upset? Probably not. It had been so long, I can’t remember when I last cried properly. But eventually I would have self-imploded, being too overwhelmed without even realising it.

I’m writing this to a. let you know I may not be around the blogging world for a couple of days, and b. to remind you that sometimes it’s good to let go, to acknowledge what’s going on and have a good cry. I mean a proper one, a full-on, snotty mess of a cry that requires countless tissues and leaves your eyes sore.

It’s okay to cry your eyes out. It’s okay to let go and give in (not up) for a little while. Be kind to yourselves.

Caz  

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56 Comments

  1. March 5, 2018 / 5:28 pm

    Sometimes you just need a good cry. It’s been a couple of years for me, but that was a huge crying jag.

    Have a blessed day. ♥

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:45 pm

      Yes, sometimes you really do just need a good cry. And then you have times where you don’t, and I hope those couple of years continue to grow for you. Thank you – have a good week, Sandee 🙂 xx

  2. Asia Jackson
    March 5, 2018 / 5:39 pm

    You’re such a great person, what you’ve written is honestly beautiful.
    Cry is just helpful and it’s totally normal I think. Anyway, I never cry and I don’t know why, even if I feel so bad or something. There are some day that I would really cry and let me go.. sorry for the mistakes, I’m Italian?❤

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:43 pm

      No mistakes, what you’ve said is perfect. I’ve had many times where I’ve felt unable to cry, but if you acknowledge and accept your emotions (positive and negative) then there’s nothing wrong with not crying either. If you need to, you need to. If you don’t, then you don’t, as long as you are kind to yourself. Thank you for a lovely comment Asia  – have a good week ♥

  3. March 5, 2018 / 7:33 pm

    You are so right, sometimes a good cry is just what we need.

    “…sometimes it’s good to let go, to acknowledge what’s going on and have a good cry. I mean a proper one, a full-on, snotty mess of a cry that requires countless tissues and leaves your eyes sore.
    It’s okay to cry your eyes out. It’s okay to let go and give in (not up) for a little while. Be kind to yourselves.”

    I hope everything works out for the best.

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:41 pm

      Thank you, Ellie  ♥ Yes, I think we should acknowledge negative feelings more often than trying to stuff them down or power on through.x

  4. Wendy Bloom
    March 5, 2018 / 7:52 pm

    Hi Caz. I just want you to know that I support you, and admire you for a variety of reasons. I think you do terrifically well, given everything you’ve dealt with in the past, and continue to have on your plate currently. Hugs, and love, Wendy

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:40 pm

      That’s incredibly kind of you to say, so even though I’d disagree I’m trying to work on accepting compliments – thank you! Hugs back to you, Wendy, thank you and have a good week  ♥

  5. margaret
    March 5, 2018 / 7:52 pm

    Bug hugs Caz. From someone who cried every day of her life until I was well into my 30’s, I know the feeling. Now it just happens once and a while, like that anyway. The snotty nosed, head pounding, until I got the snubs kind of cries :):) I do cry now but it is usually over something joyful. :):) But you are right when it comes, it comes, and let it come. One of my favourite songs verses by Creed sings, “But do not hide your tears ‘Cause they were sent to wash away those years” Praying you feel better soon, that you have a safe, easy trip, and your family has peace in this time. God Bless you my friend.

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:39 pm

      Creed, I do like their songs! I would love to cry over something joyful, those would be far better tears to shed. I’m glad you have more of those that ones from sadness or turmoil. Thank you so much for your kind words, Margaret – have a good week xx

  6. March 5, 2018 / 9:13 pm

    It’s a lot to take in and crying is a way for the body to help get rid of overwhelming negative feelings.

    Thoughts and prayers for your travels, your uncle, and everything ahead. <3 <3 <3

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:11 pm

      Thank you so much, that’s very kind of you. ♥
      Take care of yourself & have a lovely week 🙂

  7. March 5, 2018 / 10:10 pm

    Having a big cry is so good for you. I’m only just learning this, but it definitely is. xx Thinking of you and sending hugs. xxx

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:10 pm

      Me too, I think it’s a social thing of how we don’t want to feel negative emotions and think we need to stuff them down or get rid of them, whereas acknowledging and appreciating them can be far more beneficial in the long run. Thank you for the lovely wishes – I hope you (and Dizzy!) are well 🙂

  8. March 5, 2018 / 10:21 pm

    Crying is a great release, truly! I’m glad you’re feeling better today xo

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:09 pm

      It really is quite cathartic! Thank you Christy, I hope you’re doing okay 🙂
      x

  9. March 5, 2018 / 11:57 pm

    Sending you virtual hugs <3 <3

  10. March 6, 2018 / 4:00 am

    I hope you’re feeling a bit better! Sometimes emotions like that just sneak up on you and you’re sat there wondering where on earth it all came from!
    Remember to be easy on yourself and take it all a day at a time (says she, definitely easier said than done!!) Xxx

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:01 pm

      Yep, you’re right about that – they can hit us when we least expect and it makes me wonder whether we just hold on to a lot, keep ourselves busy and avoid feeling the negative stuff too much. Thank you so much for the lovely comment, Hannah. I hope you have a good week 🙂 xx

  11. March 6, 2018 / 5:03 am

    I know you didn’t write exactly what happened but it sounds like your really hurting, I hope it gets better for you and your mom soon, I’m sure this is a trial

    • March 6, 2018 / 3:58 pm

      I think we all face trials quite often, and sometimes we just need to accept the hurt. Thank you so much for the lovely comment Sammy 🙂

  12. March 6, 2018 / 6:17 am

    Thinking of you my friend. Cry. Then stop when you are ready. Only then. ~Kim

    • March 6, 2018 / 3:57 pm

      It’s hard not to curtail our upset when life goes on & you need to be busy. I think it’s an issue with our society, which also seems to suggest we shouldn’t feel negative emotions and should try to get rid of them, rather than embrace them and appreciate our hurt. Thank you Kim x

  13. March 6, 2018 / 11:09 am

    I agree a good cry is incredibly therapeutic. Thinking of you and your family. xx

    • March 6, 2018 / 4:48 pm

      Thank you Brigid, that’s much appreciated  ♥ Have a good week 🙂

  14. March 6, 2018 / 1:28 pm

    Sorry to hear that problems keep adding up for you. I agree that letting go sometimes is the best thing to do, it helps. Take care, I am thinking of you and your family.

    • March 6, 2018 / 3:55 pm

      Thank you ♥
      We definitely shouldn’t be as resistant to ‘letting go’ and just having a cry or giving in for a little. Take care and have a good week 🙂

  15. March 6, 2018 / 5:08 pm

    Sounds like things had been building for a long time and this was the thing that finally released it. I’m glad you were able to get it out, but am sorry for the reason.

    • March 6, 2018 / 5:23 pm

      I want others to know it’s okay to just ‘let it out’, especially when it builds because as a society we don’t want to acknowledge negative emotions. Thank you for your comment, Steve, it’s much appreciated – have a good week 🙂

  16. March 6, 2018 / 8:48 pm

    So sorry to hear aout your Uncle and that you are feeling rough, sometimes a dam good cry is just what you need, its just a shame you feel like a dish cloth afterwards. Its good to raise awareness of it being ok to cry, sometimes we forget that its ok and try to hide it away. Please take care of yourself and pace yourself as far as possible.

    • March 14, 2018 / 4:01 pm

      Thank you, Suzanne, that really does mean a lot to me. And I’m glad you agree on the crying aspect – it really is okay (perhaps should even be recommended!) to feel whatever you’re feeling, to express it, to have a good cry. xx

  17. March 6, 2018 / 11:24 pm

    Hugs. <3 Sometimes it's good, and even necessary, to just cry it all out. I hope your heart has time to heal soon. Sending good thoughts to you and yours. <3

    • March 14, 2018 / 4:02 pm

      Thank you so much, I really do appreciate that.  ♥

  18. March 7, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about your uncle. Sometimes a good cry is necessary. Sending hugs to you and your family.

    • March 14, 2018 / 4:03 pm

      A good cry is really quite underrated – thank you for your kind words & the hugs! I hope you’re doing okay, Lindsay, take care of yourself too. xx

  19. March 7, 2018 / 4:32 pm

    I think it was simpler when we were younger and we cried when we were sad, laughed when we were happy. Sometimes, I end up thinking whether being productive at the expense of our own well-being is the correct thing to do. Then, the emotional breakdown comes much as a relief when we have put away crying for a long time. I’m sorry about your uncle. Take care

    • March 9, 2018 / 3:48 pm

      That’s spot on, and I can’t help but think that our focus on being productive and such is somewhat misplaced. Thank you for the great comment and your kind words, Rhea 🙂
      x

  20. March 7, 2018 / 6:39 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through such a sad and difficult time. A good cry is definitely a good thing for letting it all out, despite it being exhausting! Thinking of you xxx

    • March 9, 2018 / 6:00 pm

      Thank you for your kind words, they are very much appreciated. I hope you’re doing okay, Emma.xx

  21. March 9, 2018 / 4:20 pm

    Caz, this is a beautiful post, and my heart aches for you. You’re so right — a good cry is very cathartic, even if it makes you miserable while you’re doing it. We can’t keep all the pressure and sadness bottled up; it’s just not good for us. Thinking of you and your family sweet friend. Give yourself a hug for me.

    • March 9, 2018 / 6:06 pm

      It’s definitely not good for us in the long run when negative emotions build and build. Thank you so much for the lovely comment & the hug – very much appreciated! I hope you’re doing okay, Terri.xx

  22. March 9, 2018 / 7:11 pm

    I’m sorry you got such bad news. I’m glad as hard as it is that you were able to cry. I had a major cry where I couldn’t even stand up, my Hubby had to hold me up last night. First time in a very long time. Sending you support. <3

    • March 10, 2018 / 4:24 pm

      I’m glad you had your husband there; the first cry in a long time always seems to endless and awful, doesn’t it? Thank you for your kind wishes – sending a hug back your way, and best wishes for a better day today.. Caz xx

  23. March 16, 2018 / 3:08 am

    I was just thinking of how my sister labelled me the tissue queen for ‘crying too much’… I always feel sad now when someone apologises for crying when sharing the saddest things… a good cry is so liberating for the soul. Its so punishing if you feel sad and other’s shame you for crying… Its happened to me so many times….. Love to you Caz….<3

    • March 16, 2018 / 5:22 pm

      Liberating, that’s the right word. Nobody deserves to be shamed for feeling the way they do or for crying. I’m so sorry you were labelled a tissue queen, I do hope you can apply the same compassion to yourself as you do to me when it comes to crying. Thank you so much for the brilliant comment, love you too (also just read your latest post and thought it echoed some of the issues here with repressing negative feelings etc) ♥

  24. March 18, 2018 / 5:51 am

    “I was angry at so many things, felt let down by people, I felt alone, I had so many regrets..”
    I think this may mean you are not only very smart and self aware, you are also very sensitive.
    Both of these characteristics, together, are a huge gift and opportunity, but also quite difficult to live with.
    I don’t think it is better though, to not have these attributes.
    Do you?

    • March 18, 2018 / 3:37 pm

      That’s a good way of looking at it, and you’re right – If I’m honest with myself, I wouldn’t want to be any different in those ways, I wouldn’t want to be empathic or self-aware or sensitive, because those things make me who I am (for better or for worse). Thank you so much for the lovely comment Cynthia 🙂

  25. March 18, 2018 / 8:29 pm

    i can relate to this like once i had a period of time where i would just cry everytime i went to this certain place and i would be sitting there and my tears would always fill my ears but never fully come out like a drop or two would leak and id wipe em, but this one time i mustve been looking really depressed because one of the women there came up to me like ‘are you okay, is something wrong’ and i looked at her and tried smile and said ‘yhyh im fine’ and as soon as i said that a tear came out so it mustve looked so weird and freaky cuz she grabbed me into a hug and then they all came out and they woudlnt stop and she kept asking me to talk to her but i didnt know what exactly i was crying about!
    So this post was really relatable indeed too!
    Just followed!
    sareena x
    ps. did it come up because i clicked follow and it said following but then on your website it says follow sooooo ???

    • March 19, 2018 / 6:39 am

      I’m glad that woman was there to take the time to ask you if you were okay, and to give you a hug. Sometimes we need to cry for no specific reason, a bit like how sufferers of depression won’t necessarily have ‘reasons’ for feeling numb or hopeless, it just ‘is’. A good cry can be very cathartic and all of those tears not shed, or the odd one that doesn’t make it any further, can build up & make things worse in the long run as you try to hold it in. I’m glad (but also sad) that you can relate. Thank you for reading & sharing your experience, and also for the follow (I’ve checked and my WP says you’re a follower so I think it’s worked!) 🙂
      Take care & have a good week.x

  26. March 20, 2018 / 5:22 am

    I love this so much. I strive to make my personal posts as raw and as surrounded by hope as you have. So glad I read this tonight. I feel lighter simply by reading your beautiful words <3

    • March 20, 2018 / 5:57 am

      Thank you so much for your lovely comments & kind words, they’re very much appreciated. And yes, I think we could all do with a good cry more often as it can be cathartic rather than bottling everything up. Thank you ♥

  27. March 20, 2018 / 5:25 am

    I forgot to mention in my above comment, I’m sorry for the difficult time your family is going through. Its understandable. A good cry is very much necessary. And a good sleep as well. A cry and a good sleep together can do wonders to the emotions you wake up to the next morning.

  28. March 22, 2018 / 7:09 pm

    Sometimes, we just need a good cry… especially when we have been carrying a heavy load for a long time…and you are not sleeping? That’s a huge factor, too. And now this? Your uncle’s poor health and possible death? Oh, dear… it’s just so much to bear! You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers!! Huge hugs!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    • March 23, 2018 / 3:48 pm

      Thank you so much, Lynn, your kindness is so very much appreciated. I really do think a cry is good for the soul because so many of us try to swallow it down and bottle things up, which makes us feel worse in the long run. I hope you are doing okay… Have a lovely weekend 🙂
      x

  29. March 25, 2018 / 6:12 am

    A good cry can be terribly cathartic! Im so sorry for your bad news and the upset and pain that has come with it! XX

    • March 25, 2018 / 1:36 pm

      Thank you lovely. And yes, definitely cathartic – a lot of us probably need a cry a little more often rather than bottling everything up. Hope you’re having a restful weekend 🙂
      xx

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