Disabled Persons Railcard

This weekend I really pushed the boat out and had a thrilling time going in to hospital on Sunday – a Sunday! – for a last minute procedure. I got the call on Friday so I figured it would be best to get it done out of the way, and I was grateful to be slotted in as my appointment for later in the month had been cancelled.

I was having treatment for high grade/severe cell changes, so it was only a little procedure but it had to be done under general anaesthetic. I thought I was doing okay in the morning, getting in at 8 and then finding I was first to go in so I wouldn’t have to wait around (such a blessing as I felt awful and uncomfortable). I wasn’t overly concerned about the procedure either, so what happened later on came out of the blue. I woke up and was alertΒ pretty quickly out of recovery, with onlyΒ a little discomfort from the procedure that the rest of my pain overshadowed anyway.

Then something broke. I think I broke. I can’t even blame the drugs and morphine because aside from the general anaesthetic I didn’t have any! I started getting increasingly stressy about things and I couldn’t turn off all the tiny, ridiculous thoughts going through my head. Suddenly, I was overthinking the smallest of things and getting so annoyed.

It was a little thing that tipped me over the edge. I then ended up snapping, only a little, at my mother on the phone. I felt awful. My folks tend to go over the same little things repetitively and sweat the small stuff fairly regularly, and perhaps that’s rubbed off on me and continues the cycle. My brain wouldn’t slow down and every little thing kept coming at me, as well as some of the bigger things. Perhaps it was sparked a little by all of the well-meaning questions and conversation starters from the various nurses that morning – what job do I do (“I got fired for being off sick for my 4th op”), whether I had plans to see friends this week (“I don’t have anyone I hang out with”), where I last went on holiday (“never been on a proper holiday”) etc etc.

The small things and the big things collided, and before I knew it, all of the stresses, the worries, the depression and frustration of years being ill and fobbed off, of a surgery gone wrong, of having a stoma… Everything just hit me.

I was crying and snotty and then the panic kicked in. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was suffocating, and I knew the feeling and what was happening but I couldn’t seem to stop it. A patient shouted for help, and a nurse rushed over thinking I was having a heart attack. Luckily, a wonderful agency nurse (he swore he didn’t get paid as much as the media make out agency workers do!), seemed to realise what was happening.

I hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time, and I’d almost forgotten the fear that comes with it. Oxygen mask on, the agency guy sat with me for a good half an hour having a chat. I felt like I was losing my mind. He said it was surprising I hadn’t broken sooner and described me, from what he knew of my medical history and everything I’d lost, as a “bird in a cage”. Perhaps that’s true. So many things can slip out of your control and constrain your choices and options, leaving you trapped mentally and physically. I hope that, in the not too distant future, I can get out of that cage a little.

That was my Sunday. How was yours? Whatever you did over the weekend, whether it was skydiving, rescuing pandas or resting in bed in your pajamas, I hope you had a decent day. Thanks for reading what has turned out to be a bit of a ramble! Β x



20 thoughts on “Just Another Day At Hospital & A Little Panic Attack”

  1. My first impulse was to ask are you all right…I hope you are feeling better now-it sounds like you had a hell of a day. However, don’t be too hard on yourself, sometimes it is ok just to have a complete melt down and at least the agency nurse knew what he was dealing with and you didn’t find yourself rushed off and slapped in for an ECG…hope you’re feeling better xoxo

    1. I think you’re right, sometimes you need a bit of a meltdown and someone who knows how to respond at the right time. Thank you so much for the comment πŸ™‚

  2. Afternoon, well that’s one hell of a way to spend a Sunday. I won’t give the usual platitudes, however I genuinely hope you’re feeling better now. Like Samantha said, sometimes a blow out is good for us. Take care and feel better (hopefully)

    1. Thanks. I hope you’re well too and that everything is still going good with the job and new place πŸ™‚

  3. Thanks for this ramble, Caz! How are you now? I hope you’re feeling a bit better. General anaesthetics can do weird things to our minds, as can stress and frustration… You sound really strong, but still I’m glad you had that nurse by your side. Take it easy, dear. Time to relax now. Sending my love, Ana

    1. I’m doing a little better today. Thank you Ana, for the reassurance and support. I hope you are well too. Caz x

  4. Thanks for sharing your ramble. It shows to those who don’t have panc attacks on what can happen just out of the blue. I hope you ate all knsince and not too shaken after it. They are bloody horrible.

    My Sunday afternoon was different to yours. I had a few hours down Nottingham with a friend. I did end up not feeling well at one point, but it did not spoil the day in the end. I had a bit of a irritable bowel. Something on the scale I had yesterday pain wise, that I have not had for years to that degree. But I am fine since. Weather was not too bad yesterday while in Nottingham. It wasn’t cold surprisingly.

    1. I hope you managed to enjoy the Nottingham trip despite the pain, I can empathise. I’m glad it’s eased off since and I hope it doesn’t return to that degree again. At least it sounds like it didn’t rain while you were out (seems like we’re incredibly lucky to get a dry day in the UK let alone one that’s not icy cold!) Thank you for your comment, Liz πŸ™‚

      1. Yes, I enjoyed Nottingham regardless. Just at times I had to stop or sit because of the pain being a type of pain that pulls me down the ground. I have not had it to that extent for about 10 years.

        Weather today is totally the opposite of yesterday and it does not look as though it will be any better tomorrow.

  5. Oh my goodness I can so relate to what you are going through this week. I have had probably the most bizarre week of my life with so much stress, plus my sister getting this insane sounding skin disorder and then me being afraid I would get it as well and I basically panicked for 2 days straight seeing things that weren’t there and being totally irrational – all things that I know better than to do! Finally I think I have pulled myself out of the loop but it is just amazing what major stress on top of other upheavals in your life can do. I’m so glad you are doing better and just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. πŸ™‚

    1. I’m sad that you can relate to the stress and anxiety getting on top of you, but you’re right, it’s good to know we’re not alone. I hope you’re doing a bit better now and don’t go back into that loop again too quickly. Thanks for the comment πŸ™‚

  6. You are so brave, sharing your struggles and the realities you have to face shows great strength so even when you feel you’re unable to cope please know that you are inspiring others by speaking up. I think a melt down sounds like a pretty normal reaction to everything you were going through at the time and I’m just glad you had good support when it happened. Wishing you all the best xx

    1. It’s so reassuring to see someone else say it’s normal and not to feel so bad about having a bit of a meltdown. Thanks for your lovely comment as always Natalie and I hope you’re well. x

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