I feel like a bit of a hypocrite when I write on here or reply to messages from others doing it tough. I can say what I hope are the right things and be positive, but it doesn’t always translate. Things haven’t been so good for me lately and today, after a couple of surgeries and complications and another pending operation, I finally lost my job. It’s elusive because I guess I knew deep down it was tentative for me to keep my job, and has been for a while, given the circumstances. A bit like with any upcoming surgery, however, I seem to speak the thoughts but never really accept or acknowledge them for myself until after the fact. Like it’s happening, but to someone else.

It was something I was desperately but futilely trying to hold on to. It was something I thought I was good at, and now it’s gone. It was a fair termination of employment, and I know I have other things to feel grateful for and be thankful of, but it still stings. I think of the future and panic; I don’t have a ‘career’ or any talents or any plans.

I feel sad, I feel alone, I feel like I don’t have an anchor or know what I’m doing.

I also got diagnosed this morning with Raynaud’s and “undifferentiated connective tissue disease”, for which I’ll have to follow up with another specialist for a trial of medication.

While I don’t feel like it today, at some point I will probably see this as an opportunity. It weighed so heavily on me and worried me so much, all of the meetings and not knowing what would happen. It could be an opportunity to finally let go, to get myself healthier, to start afresh elsewhere whenever the time comes. But not today. Today I feel exhausted with it all.

If you’re feeling the same, please know you’re not alone out there and that however you’re feeling today, and whatever has happened, things won’t be the same tomorrow or next week or a year from now. I’ll post again soon but I just wanted to say thank you to anyone and everyone who reads or comments on this blog as I’m honoured to have you here.x

8 thoughts on “Losing What You Elusively Have Left”

  1. If I could give you a hug right now I would. I understand a lot of what you’re going through regarding work and ill health as I’ve been there quite recently too. It’s so hard with a chronic illness as you’re fighting all the time against something massive in your life which you have no control over. It’s all-consuming, deeply frustrating and can completely demolish your plans and the things you’ve worked hard for in life. However, you sound so strong and I believe that you will do everything you can to turn this into an opportunity for a different day.

    I also just wanted you to know that I love your blog and it’s a real inspiration to me. You’ve helped me to feel less alone so I hope I can do the same for you now and let you know that I’m rooting for you and wishing you all the best moving forward from today. x

  2. I’m so touched by your reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, and please know that it’s appreciated. I’ve just followed your blog and will take your advice in going for a little gentle walk today to clear my mind! Here’s to hoping for a brighter day for us both. xx

    1. It’s the least I can do! I hope you enjoy your walk and that it gives you the chance to focus on what is possible rather than what isn’t right now. Thank you so much for following my blog, especially as reading yours gave me the courage to start my own!

  3. I’m not sure whether “like” is quite the word for your latest post. Sorry to hear of your latest setbacks and I am in awe of your positive attitude. Very best wishes

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